Guilty Conscience

          I've felt extremely vulnerable lately, and as much as it sucks, it's a good thing. I bottle so much up, so it's good to every once in a while relieve some of that. With my vulnerability comes a ton of thinking, especially over-thinking. I really wanted to write this blog to A.) get this kind of out of my system, and B.) to show you that I am human just like everyone else, and just because I try to be an inspiration, and help others, doesn't  make me perfect, nor put me higher up than anyone else.

         I have probably one of the most guilty conscience's known to man; I really do. And some of you might think this is crazy, because well, it might be. But lately, I've felt somewhat undeserving of a relationship, and here's why:

          I don't feel that I am unworthy necessarily, or that I shouldn't be blessed like other people are to find their significant other. I am not saying this with low self-esteem or self-pity. But what I mean is that my life is, in some cases, a lot scarier than others. I'm not in any way saying that I am the only person in this world that goes through these hardships;  so many people go through much, MUCH worse. But to put this in harsh, to the point terms, I went from one day, everything being seemingly fine and "normal", to the next day, coming home from school to my Dad having a heart attack. 

        At that time, I was in a relationship and he had heard about a similar situation that occurred when I was eight, but no one could be prepared for it to happen again, I know I certainly wasn't. I give him a lot of credit for being patient with me and doing the best he could to calm me down and just be there for me. He stayed up late with me (this was during the school week) and called me in the morning to check on me, and give me a laugh =). But when all was said and done, I just felt extremely guilty that I put him through that. I still sometimes feel that way, hence me writing this blog eight months later. 

           I know that people say it's part of the "job" in a relationship to stick with your parter through thick and thin, but it's also part of the "job" to protect one another. In that situation, I feel as though I failed. I think I apologized ten times for ruining his night and keeping him up late. I remember him telling me that even though he's been involved in several different groups where kids deal with and go through a lot, and he knows how to help them, when he saw me cry, and saw how feared I was, he felt helpless. That makes me feel guilty. Not because he said that, but because again, I don't know what is going to happen in my day-to-day life. Granted, none of us do. But my biggest dreams involve my biggest fears. 

          I want to get married one day, and have a family one day...but it terrifies me that as much as I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with everything that comes into play, there's a chance he won't be here to do so. And it upsets me that even though I have wonderful women in my life that have been mother figures to me, there won't be a Mother of the Bride at my wedding. 

            Of course these things are not going to stop me from hopefully getting to experience the joy of marriage, but I feel guilty that whoever I marry is going to be on that scary journey with me. And some might say that that is what a relationship is all about, but it kills me when someone experiences something that devastated me. I don't want to have him be scared all the time like I am, or have to stay up late with me when he's exhausted. I guess because I've learned to be, for the most part emotionally strong, it's difficult for me to be emotionally weak. Especially in a relationship, because all I want is to be strong for them. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Happy Simplicity/Merry Christmas!

               Today, a girl started talking to me about the Holidays, and what I had planned for Christmas. As I finished telling her of my Holiday traditions, she smiled and told me how her family doesn't do much for Christmas. I asked her about it, and she explained that her Father works on Christmas Day, and how when she was younger, her family didn't even acknowledge Christmas. She told me that her family doesn't exchange gifts, or cook a big meal or anything. It evidently made me more sad than it did her. This was her "norm". She definitely was not sharing this as a complaint.
               The past two or three years, Christmas has kind of died down in my family. We haven't had a tree, and gifts are picked out ahead of time and either received well before Christmas, or just not wrapped, and all fancy Christmas morning. We haven't even put up a tree. And this had made me sad. Nothing about my house is Christmas-y, and there are times I stop myself from trying to feel jealous when I see other people having lights on their houses, cute decorations in their lawns, and as I scroll through the endless (yet beautiful) pictures of decorated Christmas trees. But as I said, it's because I've seen the Christmas spirit sort of...die over the years. This wasn't my norm.
               But listening to this girl tell me how simple Christmas was in her household, and just the smile she had on her face, made me take a step back, and again use my mantra, someone always has it worse than us. Sometimes around Christmas, we can get caught up in presents, and decorating, and it's definitely normal, and understandable, but things like this can really "bring you back to earth" so to speak. Like I said, not only her situation, but the fact that she is just so positive about it. She wasn't complaining, she wasn't wanting sympathy. It was just as if you were to ask "what are you doing for Christmas?" and her normal answer was that she wasn't really doing anything.
               Over the past eight or nine months, I've really stuck to the saying that someone always has it worse than us. We hear these stories on the news, see them all the time quite honestly, but do we actually stop and think about it? You might be saying "Yeah Becka, you've said this a million times before." and my response to that would be yes, I know that, and I won't stop. Everyone has their own way of being humbled, and taking that phrase into consideration is mine.
               Today has most definitely made me more appreciative of what I do have, and made me not dwell on the things that I don't. Christmas has never been about gifts for me, but little things like not having a tree made me sad, but not anymore. This will definitely not be my last blog beforehand, but I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope reading this will make you appreciate it this year a little bit more. =)


Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Reflection

             We did an activity today in one of my classes that surprisingly threw me completely out of my comfort zone. So far this year, some of the other students have said that this class feels sort of like Group Therapy, and have been out of their comfort zone with previous activities and writing assignments. However, I am an open book when it comes to a lot of things, and I never expected that I would have that feeling at all during this course.
             When something "tragic" happens in my life, I have a habit of pushing it somewhere in my brain where it is not recognized or often thought about. I pretend it never happened and I am not in any way saying this is a good way to cope with things, but I run away from them. It's kind of like 90% of me is open to talking about my personal experiences, and such, but 10% of me is a closed door that VERY few people will ever know about because it's just too much for me to relive, and think about. During this activity, I felt like the door to that 10% of me had been forced open and I felt like I wasn't in control, and as much as I wanted to leave the room and cry, I stopped myself and did what was asked of us.
             Now for what you probably really want to know: what was the assignment? We had to write down negative things that adults in our lives have told us. Again, I'm not one to let what others say to me affect me, really, but when I think about things that I have been told especially in my childhood, it really makes me think of how much of an impact that has on the way I am today. For example, from a young age, I was taught that it is not okay to cry. It was repeated to me, even in the worst of times, I was told it wasn't acceptable. To this day, I really only cry in a couple of situations. But like today, I wanted to start crying right there in class, but that part of my brain started and I stopped myself. Now, I know there is a lot of people that don't like to cry in public, and they could stop themselves like that, but as a reflection on my own self, I can't help but think that what I was told as a child, impacts the way I live my life now.
             It was also really hard for me because not only did I start remembering things that were said to me, but everything that came with that. Such as the place, and the way it was said. It was as if I went back to each moment that I was told something negative, and I did not like it. I was very uncomfortable.
            This is NOT a blog I am writing for sympathy in any way, it is just a reflection. There's not many things or people that can get me to open the door to that 10% of me, so this was really surprising to me, and to be honest, still is. When I start thinking of one thing, it leads to another, and another, and so on. As much as I despise getting emotionally thrown out of my comfort zone, it really is a good thing, because running away from, and/or denying things won't help you heal. Sometimes I think that if I pretend it never happened, then it doesn't exist, and I can just move on from it, but our minds don't really work like that. It may work for a little while, until you start doing something, or acting a certain way, or reacting to something that is completely out of your "norm". At some point, in order to heal, we have to dig deep and uncover things that make us cry, and make us uncomfortable. But one thing that I have learned over the decade, is that it is okay to cry. If you're mad, get mad. If you're upset, be upset. If you're happy, smile, and make someone else smile with you. The only thing that isn't okay is to STAY sad, or mad. As humans, we make mistakes, and negative things will happen to us, and that is all the more reason to show your true feelings and "get it out of your system" before it causes a bigger problem.



Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Emotional Stress/Update(s)

         This past week or so, I've been under a great deal of emotional stress. I find myself in this type of situation once or twice a year, and I get really distant, and almost just want to shut down completely. However, when we get to points like this, a lot of times it's caused by storing emotions inside for a long period of time, letting things build up and add on, and our bodies and our minds are telling us we need a break. 

       For me, this means that I'm taking a break from the things and negative emotions that I'm feeling, and really just focusing on myself. The one thing that always gets me motivated and makes me feel renewed, is working out and focusing on losing more weight. Whether it be walking/running, or doing an intense training session, exercising ALWAYS clears my head and makes me feel at least somewhat better.

        With that being said, I am starting a 30-Day Crossfit Challenge tomorrow, October 28th. I am extremely excited about this (almost too much!) and I will be posting many more updates, and weekly blogs about how I am doing with that. I will also be sharing more quotes, stories and tips along the way. 

To start me off:

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch!" 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Thank You❤

         All of us have those occasional nights where we think about about our lives. For me, as I'm reminiscing my past, and the events that forever changed my life, I think of the people that were there for me. A lot of people back away from scary situations, or they don't know what to say or do, therefore, they don't say or do anything. Being someone's rock can be challenging, it is not easy by any means. In certain situations, I often say that the person going through the difficulty, and the one supporting that person, struggle the same. You may think that sounds crazy, but here's why: no doubt, the person dealing with a loss, a health issue, etc. has a lot to be emotional about, worried about, and scared about. However, often times they do have support. The person who is trying to be there for the victim of the situation is dealing with the inner battle of "am I doing enough for them?", the roller coaster of emotions, and in my experiences, they are the ones other people come to for knowledge of what is going on. The support doesn't have support, and is trying to be strong enough for two people.

         With this being said, I want to take the time to Thank all of the people that have been there for me through any or all of the tragedies I've faced thus far in my life. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart Love and appreciate all of you so much. There is no question, I would not be here without you.

          To the ones who became like second Mothers to me, Thank you. You all have had a tremendous influence in my life, and even though I lost my Mom, I gained 3 and I love you all so, so much.

         To the ones that became like family to me, Thank you. Blood does not make you family, and this could not be more true for me. I love you all like family and nothing will ever change that.

         To the ones who were by my side through two of the hardest situations I've been in, both 9 years ago, and 5 months ago, Thank you. I honestly would not have been able to do it without any of you. I have tried to put myself in all of your shoes and I think about what I would have done, had it been the other way around, and your strength for me has helped me more than you realize. The places to sleep at night, the funny stories to lift me up and laugh, and the safeness I felt with you does not go one day without being appreciated. I Love you all more than you will ever know. 

         To the ones who inspire me on a daily basis, Thank you. You've shown me that there is so much to be happy, and thankful for. Being surrounded by you motivates me to be my best self. You are all so Amazing.

        To the ones who have helped me become who I am today, and who are always looking out for me, Thank you. I don't think I would be here today without you. You guys have made me realize so much about myself and my potential, and that only inspires me every single day to be better than I was yesterday. You have helped me to stay motivated to reach my goals, and have said "I am proud of you" when I do. You've shown me what is possible, and that you believe in me, and for that, I will always be grateful. I love you guys so much!

          And last, but certainly not least, to my Dad and my Guardian Angel, my Mom, I Love you two more than anything in this world. I've learned so much from both of you. Life is short, so don't be too afraid to try new things, to chase your dreams, and to live life to the fullest. Mom, Thank you for always watching down on me and protecting me, thank you for being the best Mom in the entire world to Josh and I. I would give ANYTHING to see your Beautiful face again, and I will someday. I Love you so much❤ Dad, Thank you for always being there for me. Through thick and thin, and other people coming and going, you have been a constant in my life, and I appreciate that more than anything. You are the STRONGEST person I know, and it only makes me stronger. You inspire me every day. I Love you more than life itself and I mean that whole heartedly. 

     You all mean the world to me, and I am so blessed to have/have had you in my life. You guys are the best of the best, and I Love you all more than I think you could possibly know. Once again, Thank You❤ 

Love,

Becka

            

The Biggest Loser

       There was a comment made during a commercial for The Biggest Loser today. "Why would you want to show America how ridiculously fat you are?!" This really upset me. As someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life, I commend every contestant that does go on the show. How many people sit on their couch, just WATCHING The Biggest Loser? A heck of a lot more than the Biggest Loser contestants. The people that send videos into the show genuinely want to lose weight. They are willing to take the viewers on their weight loss journey with them, no matter how heavy they start. That alone is inspiring to me. They put in HOURS of hard work. They are real people, with real health concerns, that want to change their lives. 

         I've watched probably 4 or 5 seasons of The Biggest Loser, and the contestants usually are very insecure about how heavy they are. There's always the two or three that are labeled the heaviest on the ranch, and I'm sure that is not an easy thing to deal with; especially when you are surrounded by people with the same issue. No one likes the weigh-ins, where the men have to be shirtless and the women are in sports bras. They don't do it to show America "how fat they are.", they do it to show America that if you're struggling with obesity, you can overcome it, too. 

          Yes, it's a reality show. I get it. But this is probably one of the most REALISTIC reality shows because these people are forever changing their lives, AND inspiring millions every step of the way. They have trainers, and set schedules, but the contestants are doing ALL of the work. You can have a doctor or a trainer consistently tell you to do something, but they can't do it for you.

           I'm very fortunate that growing up, I was never really bullied for being overweight, but I am extremely defensive over these things because I do know how difficult it is to lose weight.  

       I believe that if you don't know, you shouldn't talk. If you watch the show and it's just not your cup of tea, it doesn't pertain to you, etc. that's fine. That's your opinion, and you are fully entitled to it. However, if you haven't seen the show, you don't know anything about the struggle of being overweight, I don't think you have room to make ignorant comments. 

    

I Believe in You

        I believe that what goes around, comes around. I am mainly talking about the positives. "Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."(Ralph Waldo Emerson). Not only does good karma repay you, but it just feels good to know that you can help someone, and make their day better. 

              I've written another blog on this topic specifically, but people often ask me how I stay so positive and how admiring it is. I stay positive because I know what it is like to feel the complete opposite. I've been in that place where I felt like no one cared, everything was so negative, and I didn't feel like it would matter if I wasn't here anymore. But one thing I've learned is that even if it doesn't seem like it, someone out there loves you. Someone wants the best for you, someone wants you to stay strong and be happy. You could be reading this and saying "yeah right, easy for you to say." Maybe you have a bad relationship with your family, and your friends are drifting away from you. If you can't think of one person that knows you are worth it, I do. I want you to not look at how far you have left to go, and not look at how wrong everything may seem right now. I want you to focus on how far you've come, and what could be going right in your life. If you don't think you're blessed, feel your pulse. You are here for a reason.

            I met a young girl recently, who was crying by herself. I had never met her before, but I approached her and asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell me about the hardships she faced, and fought my advice with "but you're pretty, you don't get it." I started to share personal stories with her, and how I overcame difficulties I was faced with. For the first time in thirty minutes, she cracked a smile as I wiped away her tears. I gave her a hug and reassured her I was there for her if she ever needed someone to talk to. 

             These instances are what motivates me to keep doing what I do. If I can help or inspire one person, I am fulfilling God's purpose for my life. We need to encourage one another, and lend a hand to those in need. When I reach out to other people, or even get surprised when people approach me and tell me that I've unknowingly helped them, I can guarantee you that I am even happier about it than they are! 

             Sometimes all it takes is ONE person to say "I Believe in You". 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Depression: My Story

         I hesitated writing this blog in fear it was too personal, and I guess I was never really ready to publicize it. But, I always say if I can inspire one person, I'm doing something right. 

          The first week of 9th grade was like the beginning to any school year. I was trying to get back into the swing of things; I felt different, kind of awkward. I figured the feelings were typical back-to-school nerves.

          Weeks went by, and this feeling just wouldn't go away. It actually got worse. When I came home from school, I just felt sad. As time progressed, it got to the point where I would start crying for no reason. Nothing would have happened, but I would start crying for hour-long periods. I didn't know why, I just knew I was sad. This happened every single day. 

            After roughly two weeks of these episodes, I brought it up to the counselor I had been seeing. Every session, I would really only say one thing, "I feel sad." It got to be annoying, even to myself. I tried so hard to put my feelings into words, but I just couldn't. 

              I started writing down the times I felt sad and a little of how I was feeling. Every week, I would bring them to my counselor. One of the entries read:

 

"8:55am.                               9/20/10

I'm feeling sad, almost to the point of crying. I think if I were at home, I would've cried. Dreading this afternoon and my future."

     The following week, we had a group session, meaning my Dad was in the room with my counselor and I. We all talked and expressed what we needed to and that was when my counselor said that I was dealing with Depression. 

       I had a hard time accepting that. I tried to deny it, but in the back of my head, I think I always knew Depression was a huge possibility. It's a serious thing, and I didn't want to be looked at like there was something wrong with me. 

        However, once I did realize and "accept" the fact that I had Depression, I started to rebel against the counseling process. I felt like I was getting ganged up on, but in reality, we all wanted the same thing: for me to be happy. 

          My counselor kept suggesting anti-depressants. I think they are a great thing for some people, and I'm not against them in any way. I just didn't feel like they were for me. Although I never wanted to admit it, there were times I actually thought about taking them because I was so desperate to be happy again. But I felt like it would be something I would decide, not something I would be forced to do. 

              A few weeks after her initial suggestion, my counselor entertained the idea of me seeing a psychiatrist, because they specialize in that field. It scared me because I knew that if he thought I needed medication, I'd get it no matter what I wanted. It was also nerve-wracking due to all the negative stigmas attached to their profession. 

              He went through a list and asked me probably 20 or so questions. Most of them were easy and I could just simply say "no". The last question he asked me was "Are you suicidal?" I froze. There were many times I had thought of suicide, but I had never tried to kill myself, or made a plan to do so, and since since my Dad was in his office with me, I didn't want to admit it, and I said "no". However, my counselor had told him things I had said to her, and he did make me talk about it. Once he realized I was only trying to explain how I felt, and not making a suicidal threat, he came to the conclusion that medication was not something I needed. 

          By January, I decided to quit counseling. I didn't feel like I was able to be helped. I had been depression for five months, and I now felt like I was kind of on my own. I had become very anti-social. I hated talking to really anyone and if my phone died, I wouldn't even think about charging it for weeks at a time. 

            I would always hear how kids and young adults committing suicide was becoming an epidemic, but I never thought I would be that kid. I never thought I would really want to die. But I did. And that's not something I openly would talk about. 

            March 3, 2011, I sat at the end of my bed, and I just felt so low. Worse than I ever had before. I felt like there was no reason for me to be on this earth anymore. I texted one of my friends at the time and said "I can't do this anymore." I honestly don't know why I reached out to her. I think maybe subconsciously I wanted help. She wasn't clear on what I meant, and I said "I want to take a gun to my head. I can't do this anymore, I want out." She begged me not to do it, and I sat there and cried for at least an hour, debating what I was going to do. I finally promised her I wouldn't. 

            After that night, I prayed every single day that I would be happy again. That was the only thing I wanted. Things slowly started to get better. But again, this was a process. 

          I began being very dependent on people. If my mood was down, I expected them to know how to make it better. If my mood was up, I expected them to make sure it stayed there. I also wasn't choosing who I surrounded myself with very carefully. 

           At one point, I was feeling down and I was hanging out with someone who definitely didn't have a positive affect on me. There was about a 2 week period that I had thought about cutting myself. When I brought it up to this person, their response was "me too!" And we talked about it like it was "cool." I was always too scared of the pain to actually do it, and one night I had a dream that I cut myself all the way up my arm and it hurt so bad and I was taken to the hospital. The thought never occurred to me again. 

              I eventually got to be too much for people to deal with, and that's when I looked to God more than ever. I started praying a lot. I prayed for strength, and that I wouldn't be miserable forever. Little by little, I started gaining back control of my life. I apologized to the people I had hurt, and realized I had to also show them I meant I was sorry. 

            I was so insecure with myself. If people were laughing around me, I felt like they were talking about me. I became extremely hard on myself, and I would wallow in my own self-pity. My insecurities got the best of me. 

          I started to rely more on myself, and I adjusted my focus. That was the BEST thing I did. Instead of worrying about things that didn't matter right now, I focused on what did. Who I love, what's truly important and I focused on the now. Now the "20 years from now". 

            I learned to let God take care of my worries. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I put my trust in him. I was truly happy again not long after that.

          It was a scary 8 months. I wouldn't wish Depression on ANYONE. It was constant misery every single day. But, I wouldn't be where I am today without experiencing this. Overcoming Depression has made me realize SO much. I don't take things for granted. You need bad days to appreciate the good ones. Appreciate the people who love you and think the world of you, because they won't always be here. 

        I've realized I can do anything I set my mind to! I've accomplished so much in the past 3 years that before my Freshman year, I would have never imagined I could! NEVER give up!

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

   

Asking For Advice

         We all do it. Whether we're at a crossroads in our lives, or undecided about something. You might go to a close friend, counselor, or family member to get their insight or opinion. 

         Some people might feel like they don't need help, or they think asking for advice is damaging to their pride. There is a big difference between asking someone for their advice, and going to someone for help. Someone's advice is just that, THEIR advice. 

          There is nothing wrong with wanting someone's insight other than your own. Sometimes when we ask for advice, you can choose to take it, but no one says you HAVE to. For example, when you're torn between two different things, if someone's advice is to do one thing, maybe that's when you're able to realize you really want to do the other thing. Just because you didn't take that persons advice, it was still beneficial to you. 

          As humans, we have feelings, and a billion decisions to make in life. And even though it is 100% natural and normal to go to someone for their advice or opinion on something, you know yourself better than anyone. Sometimes we subconsciously know what we want,  but we just need someone else to reveal it. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Your Subconscious Mind

Have you ever heard the saying, "Never let a woman go to sleep mad or sad."? I am quite the night owl, but when I'm suffering any sort of negative emotion such as anger, stress, or sadness, I physically cannot sleep. However, many times, I have managed to suppress those feelings to the point where I may not realize that I have them. According to my conscious mind, I'm just simply "not tired". 

          The subconscious mind controls roughly 50-60% of our brain's capabilities. It is in charge of our most recent memories, our basic information [such as your address], and it is also where your constant thoughts, behavioral patterns and emotions are stored. The subconscious mind works closely with the unconscious mind, hence the reasoning behind why you may not know something is bothering you quite directly.

           Your subconscious stays much more aware of your surroundings than you perceive. However, it takes direction from the conscious mind. Meaning, your subconscious will only reveal the feelings in which you continuously think about. If you are someone who suppresses emotion, and forces yourself to think the opposite, your subconscious will model those feelings. But It is not quite that easy. Your subconscious is responsible for fight or flight responses. So for example, if you have to give a presentation in class, and you feel nervous, trying to convince yourself to relax won't do the trick.

         The subconscious is the only part of the brain that runs 24/7, and that is why you may find yourself having dreams at night that mirror suppressed feelings. Maybe if a friend angered you, but you didn't act on that frustration, but suppressed it, you might have a dream where you are lashing out. 

          The only way to put yourself at ease in any of these situations is to become self-aware. For some, that is easier said than done. You'll really need to dig deep and find the root of the problem you are having, or emotion you've suppressed. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

           

"Adoption"

For those of you that don't know, my brother is adopted; however, that is his story to tell, not mine. The reason for this blog is because I want to make something a little clearer: Our parents took him home from the hospital -he is THEIR son. 

      When we were younger, kids would ask me obvious questions, such as "why do you guys look different?" At the time, it was a little strange because I never looked at him differently and it was odd to me that other people did. But now I realize that kids are curious and it's all fine and well. 

      What really bothers me is how close-minded people are to this day. My brother will be 20, and I'll be 17; so there's really no excuses at this age, other than people being either ignorant, or thinking they know things when they know zero. It shocks me that there are still people that make comments saying "your adopted brother". No, he is and has ALWAYS been MY BROTHER. He is the brother God intended for me to have. I don't look at him as "someone else's kid" or "my brother who is adopted". He's just my brother. 

        I had a friend that if I talked to about a fight I had with him, and I felt like my Dad was taking his side or something (typical sibling problems), she would make the remark, "but you're his blood daughter". No matter how mad I was about the fight, those remarks angered me more. Like I previously have said, my brother is our parent's child, just as I am. He is the son God wanted our parents to have. 

        A child who is adopted did not choose to be. They weren't born saying "I don't like my blood family, give me to this one". A lot of children are adopted because their biological parents can't give them the life they deserve. I think it's a precious and selfless thing. Regardless of the fights, the yelling, any negative thing, my brother is my brother.

         I realize that some comments are not made with the intention of offending anybody, but with topics like Adoption, you want to think before you speak (as we all should with anything). 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

No Friends > Fake Friends

There's so much drama that happens in middle school; at least what I remember of it. I went through a couple of situations where "friends" were using me, and then ditching me and I didn't trust many of them anymore. Being in middle school, you want to have a lot of friends, it makes you feel cooler, and you feel like you belong somewhere. My grandma always used to tell me that having no friends was better than having fake friends. I thought she was crazy at the time -I wanted people to hang out with. 

       The point of friends are for them to be there for you, as you are for them. You have a mutual trust, and people you enjoy being around. What is the point of spending time with people you really don't like all that much, you don't trust, and you all talk about each other behind each other's backs? 

        Sometimes being alone doesn't mean anything negative. It doesn't mean "you suck", no one likes you, etc. Many times, it can just mean that you know the type of people you want to surround yourself with, and you're not going to settle for less. There is however a difference between not having friends, and isolating yourself. Don't purposely cut yourself off from people, especially when you feel rejected by a group of "friends". Be yourself, and the right people will come along! 

          In school, it's hard thinking about "where am I going to sit in lunch?" "Who am I going to work with on this project?" But don't over think things. Wait until you actually walk into that cafeteria, or classroom. Just because you maybe don't have a close group to immediately turn to, doesn't mean you don't have acquaintances that will help you out. 

          It's better to have no friends than to have fake friends because especially in middle/high school, you don't want to spend all of this time being frustrated with people that feel almost like a chore to hang out with. Like I said, be yourself, and you will attract the right friends, that WILL be there for you and support you. 

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

Crying is Not Weakness

Everyone has their own perception of what "being strong" means. When I was younger, I thought being strong meant you never cried; you never had "weak moments". As I've gotten older and experienced much more in my life, I realize that that can't be further from the truth. 

       I was always taught that it was never okay to cry. I had to "be strong". That stuck with me up until a couple of years ago, and I still rarely cry in front of people, but yes, I do cry sometimes. We all do. And no, it does not make us weak.

        Everyone has moments where they need to let out all of the negative energy that may be inside them. And for many of us, just being able to break down and cry helps us relieve so much that we bottle up. Those moments don't make us weak. They only make us stronger. They help us delve into our issues and learn from them, rather than keeping things inside, and pretending they don't exist. 

         Being strong is being able to realize that your life is not perfect; realizing what issues you are facing, understanding them, and coping with them. In some cases, letting everything out can only help you, not hurt you. The only way to sort through these things is with a clear head, and if in order to do that you need to let out some tears, that is 100% okay.

        From my past experiences, anyone who tells you that it's not okay to cry, are the weakest. They're the ones that don't have their life together, but try to pretend they do. Strong people don't have to pretend; they know they aren't perfect, and they embrace it.

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka 

         

Don't Give Up!

No matter where you go, what you do, what you say, how you feel, how you dress, etc. there is ALWAYS going to be at least one person that tries to bring you down and criticize you. Why? Because you're above them. They are afraid of your success. What does that mean? Keep doing what you love, keep pursuing what it is you want to be successful at. Whether it's a career, personal goal, or just the way you think. 

       The people that become most successful are the ones who refuse to give up. They don't take ANYTHING from anybody and the belief they have in themselves is all the drive they need. Of course it always helps when you have people supporting and encouraging you, but even if you don't, that doesn't mean you're wrong.

         Success is not based on popularity. You could have twenty people surrounding you, but that's not going to get you to the top. 

          I have a friend who is seemingly kind of a "black sheep". Their interests are different than a lot of people our age, their views are slightly different. I constantly see them battling people telling them what they can and can't do, that their opinion or thoughts are "wrong", but what I love about them is that despite all of that, they haven't changed one thing about their interests or thoughts. 

           It's people like that that inspire me. In life, people are going to try to get you off track and make you feel unimportant; they're going to tell you that you can't do it. I want you to pay close attention to this: the reason someone will tell you "you can't do it", is because THEY can't do it. They can't dream as big as you can, they don't have half of the determination that you have. No matter what ANYONE will tell you, NEVER give up!

Don't Know? Don't Talk

I know I have said this before, but the first thing that comes to my mind when I get irritated with a person is "what might they be dealing with internally?" It is so important to stop and think about that before you say something harsh to someone. Maybe that person has family issues, they're depressed, a relative passed, maybe they're fighting with a close friend. If someone says something negative to that person, it could be very detrimental. 

       You shouldn't say something harsh to somebody anyway, but thinking that question in your head might prevent that. Everyone is fighting a battle, and many people are skilled in hiding it. If someone is "use to" dealing with pain, you might not be able to tell that there is something wrong, but that doesn't mean they aren't dying on the inside.

       Try to be positive and kind to everyone you encounter. Sometimes a person just needs one compliment, one piece of advice, or even just a smile. It costs absolutely nothing to be nice. I know this may sound repetitive, but I can't stress this issue enough. If you speak rudely to a person, and then find out afterwards that maybe a tragedy has occurred recently in their life, that only leaves the both of you feeling terrible. And sometimes, "sorry" doesn't mean much. You can't take back anything you said.

       The phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a lie. Broken bones can be healed, and eventually be like new again. But someone who's been bullied, will be a changed person forever. And a lot of the time, they've changed for the worst. Their self esteem, body image, trust, and perception is demolished. 

        Your words can break someone, or make them. What will your words do? 

What Will Your Last Words Be?

This may sound cliche, given that the term "words hurt" is used frequently, but words DO hurt. I always keep in the back of my head that I don't know what someone might be going through in their personal life. I try to be positive to every single person I interact with. I'm sure we've all seen the power points of the kids and teenagers that have committed suicide due to bullying. They break my heart. It costs absolutely nothing to be nice to someone. It really makes me think though. If someone you knew committed suicide due to bullying, would you want to be one of the people that led them there? 

       This is a more personal story that I've decided to share with you. It goes to show you that as positive as I am and as much of a role-model as I try to be, I make mistakes. And this is a mistake I will have to live with for the rest of my life. 

      -Roughly four years ago, I was talking to someone who I feel took part in taking away my childhood, one of the people I wanted to run from.[Reference to my previous blog] As a twelve-year-old, your definition of standing your ground, and the legitimate definition are completely different. I said a lot of hurtful and vulgar things. 

      I hadn't talked to them since, which didn't ever effect me. But three years later, I had posted something pretty disrespectful on one of my social media sites. It was a generic statement, but the person saw it and from what I was told, said "I am going to die knowing that that little girl hates me." 

       When I was confronted about it, of course I just got defensive and had the mentality than it was my page, and I should be able to write what I want. 

      I knew I should probably try to make it right. I was given a second chance. All I had to do was send a message. I kept putting it off and putting it off.

     I never realized how sick this person was. They had been in and out of the hospital like crazy. I thought their statement was a little extreme at the time. But, 5 months later, I got the news that that person had passed away. They were right. They died thinking I hate them. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I can't take back what I said, there's no other chance for me to be able to make it right. 

     "Make sure you taste your words before you spit them out." I cannot stress that enough. Tomorrow is never promised. 

Patience or Persistence?

You know the saying "Good things come to those who wait"? In some cases and experiences in my life, that is true.

      For example, maybe you're waiting for a relationship or something of that sort. You can't really be persistent in that case scenario without seeming like a stalker. Sometimes you really do just have to wait and be patient until that special person comes along❤

       I'm also a firm believer in karma. What goes around comes around; both positive and negative. I believe that if you send out nothing but positive energy, that is what you will receive in return. But, sometimes you do have to wait for it. You don't just do a good deed and get rewarded the next day. But believe me, it is well worth it!

But good things also come to those who are persistent and refuse to give up on what they want. 

 

     Even when you are being patient, you're still being mentally persistent. You're not letting go of the desire to have what it is you want. You still hope, believe, think, and pray that some day, you will get what it is you've been asking for, even if you are not verbally asking or it. 

     It could be something so basic as(and I know this is a terrible analogy) a kid wanting a new toy. Kids are usually very stubborn and won't stop until they get what they want. 

      With my own experiences, such as my weight loss. I didn't drop the pounds by sitting on my butt, waiting for them to melt away. No, I'm persistent with myself and do what has to be done to accomplish what I really want. 

       An example even more personal, from the time I was 8 years old up until now, I prayed every single night, and I really mean every single night, that my Dad would quit smoking. Did I REALLY see it happening? Honestly, not really. But I have Faith in God and anything is possible for those who believe. Approximately 3,100 prayers later, and my Dad hasn't touched a cigarette in a month. 

  

       You really just have to choose your action based on the situation at hand. But if its something you really want, don't give up on it❤ 

Parents

I'm not purposely trying to sound like some cookie-cutter "dream child" by any means.  But something that really bothers me is when kids [teenagers] disrespect their parents. I've witnessed this numerous times with a bunch of different scenario's, and regardless, it's just upsetting. 

       Now I'm not saying that I'm this perfect image of a child and wear a halo; not at all. I don't always agree with what my Dad says, and there may be instances where if I vent, I don't always say positive things. But one thing for sure, is that I don't speak to my Dad the way I've seen a lot of people talk to their parents. 

      It's a sensitive issue for me because most of the time I see this occur with mothers, and most of you are aware that my Mom passed away when I was little, so it really makes me cringe when I see how others take theirs for granted. If I happen to say something about the situation, I hear a million different reasons for it, all resulted from anger. The top 2 things I hear are "they don't understand" and "they never do anything for me" okay, we'll let's take a second here to think about this. Are you fed? Do you have clothes? Do you have all of your necessities? Maybe even things that are just wants? Yes. Maybe you don't always see eye to eye with your parents, and they make you angry sometimes, but I guarantee you this: they love you unconditionally. Don't ever take that for granted. 

      You may think your parents don't understand you, and sometime's you are right. But, our parents were once teenagers too, and believe it or not, they've been through the same things as us. Just like you want your parents to understand and respect you, you have to give respect to get it back. 

Me, My Happiness & I

A lot of people, recently have wondered why I'm so positive all the time.  This might throw some people off, but I totally understand this question, because there was a time where I would ask someone the same thing.  I've learned that life is so short.  And I've been on the negative side of things.  I've been the girl with the bad attitude and that didn't want to associate with anybody.  I've thought the worst, and let the worst happen.  I hate negativity.  Negativity attracts negativity, and nothing good can come out of being negative.  Being positive, and happy, doesn't come from having everything go as planned, or having a "perfect" life.  Anyone who knows me, knows that my life is far from perfect.  But I don't dwell on everything that's going wrong.  I look at, and thank God for what's going right.  I can't say that there aren't moments that I get angry, or upset.  We're human and we all feel like that from time to time.  But I don't let those feelings consume me.  I don't really hold grudges.  We all make mistakes, and to hold a grudge just takes so much energy...negative energy, that I just don't want or need.  I've learned that some things just aren't worth it.  There's people you need in your life, and there's people you don't.  Every single person that comes into your life, I guarentee you is going to hurt you in some way at some point in time.  Maybe not drastically, but even just as small as hurting your feelings.  Face it, we hurt people we love frequently.  But you have to forgive them.  I know some people think I'm crazy because most of the time, I believe in giving people a lot of chances.  Why? Because there's been a few times that I've need more than one, two, even three chances to correct myself.  And I wouldn't be where I am today, if I hadn't of gotten those chances.  Now I'm not saying to keep giving people chances if you're miserable doing it, or if you feel like it's a chore or anything.  Because I also feel that there are people that are incapable of change.  Or at least need more help. 
              I've also learned that helping other people, helps you help yourself.  Seeing anyone, especially my friends upset, breaks my heart.  I could be having a million things not going right in my life, but if I walk into school that morning, and just one of my friends are upset over something, they're my first priority.  And a lot of times, listening to them, makes me realize that their situations are a lot worse than mine.  Someone ALWAYS has it way worse than us.  I'm not trying to be "corny" or anything when I say that, but seriously.  There are people starving, with no homes, people dying and losing someone they love every single day.  And we seem to have the time to ignore the people that care the most about us because they may have said or done something so small to hurt our feelings. We seem to have the time to whine that we can't go shopping this weekend because "our parents are jerks".  What is truly important to you?  What if tomorrow your life just ended?  Would that shopping trip or petty disagreement really matter?  No.
              I'm the type of person that will willingly help whoever I can, whether I'm close to them or not.  I know what it's like, and how it feels to feel like no one is there for you.  I know what it's like to just want someone to pay attention to me.  Sometimes all it takes is one compliment, or better yet, just giving them a smile.  It costs absolutely nothing to be nice to someone.  I don't want people to feel like no one cares, or that there isn't any hope.  Every single one of you are loved and cared about.  Every single one of us deserves to be happy.  But you have to realize what is truly important in your life.  Happiness starts with you.  It's a choice.  I used to think that was crazy.  I was one of those people that if things weren't going my way, I wasn't happy.  But life doesn't work that way.  It's not about how much money you have, it's not about any materialistic thing.  It's about spending your life with the people that mean the most to you, and never missing an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you.  Tomorrow is never promised.  Find happiness is helping someone, find happiness within your friends & family, but most importantly, find happiness within yourself.


Prayers&Positivity
Becka