Reflection

             We did an activity today in one of my classes that surprisingly threw me completely out of my comfort zone. So far this year, some of the other students have said that this class feels sort of like Group Therapy, and have been out of their comfort zone with previous activities and writing assignments. However, I am an open book when it comes to a lot of things, and I never expected that I would have that feeling at all during this course.
             When something "tragic" happens in my life, I have a habit of pushing it somewhere in my brain where it is not recognized or often thought about. I pretend it never happened and I am not in any way saying this is a good way to cope with things, but I run away from them. It's kind of like 90% of me is open to talking about my personal experiences, and such, but 10% of me is a closed door that VERY few people will ever know about because it's just too much for me to relive, and think about. During this activity, I felt like the door to that 10% of me had been forced open and I felt like I wasn't in control, and as much as I wanted to leave the room and cry, I stopped myself and did what was asked of us.
             Now for what you probably really want to know: what was the assignment? We had to write down negative things that adults in our lives have told us. Again, I'm not one to let what others say to me affect me, really, but when I think about things that I have been told especially in my childhood, it really makes me think of how much of an impact that has on the way I am today. For example, from a young age, I was taught that it is not okay to cry. It was repeated to me, even in the worst of times, I was told it wasn't acceptable. To this day, I really only cry in a couple of situations. But like today, I wanted to start crying right there in class, but that part of my brain started and I stopped myself. Now, I know there is a lot of people that don't like to cry in public, and they could stop themselves like that, but as a reflection on my own self, I can't help but think that what I was told as a child, impacts the way I live my life now.
             It was also really hard for me because not only did I start remembering things that were said to me, but everything that came with that. Such as the place, and the way it was said. It was as if I went back to each moment that I was told something negative, and I did not like it. I was very uncomfortable.
            This is NOT a blog I am writing for sympathy in any way, it is just a reflection. There's not many things or people that can get me to open the door to that 10% of me, so this was really surprising to me, and to be honest, still is. When I start thinking of one thing, it leads to another, and another, and so on. As much as I despise getting emotionally thrown out of my comfort zone, it really is a good thing, because running away from, and/or denying things won't help you heal. Sometimes I think that if I pretend it never happened, then it doesn't exist, and I can just move on from it, but our minds don't really work like that. It may work for a little while, until you start doing something, or acting a certain way, or reacting to something that is completely out of your "norm". At some point, in order to heal, we have to dig deep and uncover things that make us cry, and make us uncomfortable. But one thing that I have learned over the decade, is that it is okay to cry. If you're mad, get mad. If you're upset, be upset. If you're happy, smile, and make someone else smile with you. The only thing that isn't okay is to STAY sad, or mad. As humans, we make mistakes, and negative things will happen to us, and that is all the more reason to show your true feelings and "get it out of your system" before it causes a bigger problem.



Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Thank You❤

         All of us have those occasional nights where we think about about our lives. For me, as I'm reminiscing my past, and the events that forever changed my life, I think of the people that were there for me. A lot of people back away from scary situations, or they don't know what to say or do, therefore, they don't say or do anything. Being someone's rock can be challenging, it is not easy by any means. In certain situations, I often say that the person going through the difficulty, and the one supporting that person, struggle the same. You may think that sounds crazy, but here's why: no doubt, the person dealing with a loss, a health issue, etc. has a lot to be emotional about, worried about, and scared about. However, often times they do have support. The person who is trying to be there for the victim of the situation is dealing with the inner battle of "am I doing enough for them?", the roller coaster of emotions, and in my experiences, they are the ones other people come to for knowledge of what is going on. The support doesn't have support, and is trying to be strong enough for two people.

         With this being said, I want to take the time to Thank all of the people that have been there for me through any or all of the tragedies I've faced thus far in my life. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart Love and appreciate all of you so much. There is no question, I would not be here without you.

          To the ones who became like second Mothers to me, Thank you. You all have had a tremendous influence in my life, and even though I lost my Mom, I gained 3 and I love you all so, so much.

         To the ones that became like family to me, Thank you. Blood does not make you family, and this could not be more true for me. I love you all like family and nothing will ever change that.

         To the ones who were by my side through two of the hardest situations I've been in, both 9 years ago, and 5 months ago, Thank you. I honestly would not have been able to do it without any of you. I have tried to put myself in all of your shoes and I think about what I would have done, had it been the other way around, and your strength for me has helped me more than you realize. The places to sleep at night, the funny stories to lift me up and laugh, and the safeness I felt with you does not go one day without being appreciated. I Love you all more than you will ever know. 

         To the ones who inspire me on a daily basis, Thank you. You've shown me that there is so much to be happy, and thankful for. Being surrounded by you motivates me to be my best self. You are all so Amazing.

        To the ones who have helped me become who I am today, and who are always looking out for me, Thank you. I don't think I would be here today without you. You guys have made me realize so much about myself and my potential, and that only inspires me every single day to be better than I was yesterday. You have helped me to stay motivated to reach my goals, and have said "I am proud of you" when I do. You've shown me what is possible, and that you believe in me, and for that, I will always be grateful. I love you guys so much!

          And last, but certainly not least, to my Dad and my Guardian Angel, my Mom, I Love you two more than anything in this world. I've learned so much from both of you. Life is short, so don't be too afraid to try new things, to chase your dreams, and to live life to the fullest. Mom, Thank you for always watching down on me and protecting me, thank you for being the best Mom in the entire world to Josh and I. I would give ANYTHING to see your Beautiful face again, and I will someday. I Love you so much❤ Dad, Thank you for always being there for me. Through thick and thin, and other people coming and going, you have been a constant in my life, and I appreciate that more than anything. You are the STRONGEST person I know, and it only makes me stronger. You inspire me every day. I Love you more than life itself and I mean that whole heartedly. 

     You all mean the world to me, and I am so blessed to have/have had you in my life. You guys are the best of the best, and I Love you all more than I think you could possibly know. Once again, Thank You❤ 

Love,

Becka

            

Depression: My Story

         I hesitated writing this blog in fear it was too personal, and I guess I was never really ready to publicize it. But, I always say if I can inspire one person, I'm doing something right. 

          The first week of 9th grade was like the beginning to any school year. I was trying to get back into the swing of things; I felt different, kind of awkward. I figured the feelings were typical back-to-school nerves.

          Weeks went by, and this feeling just wouldn't go away. It actually got worse. When I came home from school, I just felt sad. As time progressed, it got to the point where I would start crying for no reason. Nothing would have happened, but I would start crying for hour-long periods. I didn't know why, I just knew I was sad. This happened every single day. 

            After roughly two weeks of these episodes, I brought it up to the counselor I had been seeing. Every session, I would really only say one thing, "I feel sad." It got to be annoying, even to myself. I tried so hard to put my feelings into words, but I just couldn't. 

              I started writing down the times I felt sad and a little of how I was feeling. Every week, I would bring them to my counselor. One of the entries read:

 

"8:55am.                               9/20/10

I'm feeling sad, almost to the point of crying. I think if I were at home, I would've cried. Dreading this afternoon and my future."

     The following week, we had a group session, meaning my Dad was in the room with my counselor and I. We all talked and expressed what we needed to and that was when my counselor said that I was dealing with Depression. 

       I had a hard time accepting that. I tried to deny it, but in the back of my head, I think I always knew Depression was a huge possibility. It's a serious thing, and I didn't want to be looked at like there was something wrong with me. 

        However, once I did realize and "accept" the fact that I had Depression, I started to rebel against the counseling process. I felt like I was getting ganged up on, but in reality, we all wanted the same thing: for me to be happy. 

          My counselor kept suggesting anti-depressants. I think they are a great thing for some people, and I'm not against them in any way. I just didn't feel like they were for me. Although I never wanted to admit it, there were times I actually thought about taking them because I was so desperate to be happy again. But I felt like it would be something I would decide, not something I would be forced to do. 

              A few weeks after her initial suggestion, my counselor entertained the idea of me seeing a psychiatrist, because they specialize in that field. It scared me because I knew that if he thought I needed medication, I'd get it no matter what I wanted. It was also nerve-wracking due to all the negative stigmas attached to their profession. 

              He went through a list and asked me probably 20 or so questions. Most of them were easy and I could just simply say "no". The last question he asked me was "Are you suicidal?" I froze. There were many times I had thought of suicide, but I had never tried to kill myself, or made a plan to do so, and since since my Dad was in his office with me, I didn't want to admit it, and I said "no". However, my counselor had told him things I had said to her, and he did make me talk about it. Once he realized I was only trying to explain how I felt, and not making a suicidal threat, he came to the conclusion that medication was not something I needed. 

          By January, I decided to quit counseling. I didn't feel like I was able to be helped. I had been depression for five months, and I now felt like I was kind of on my own. I had become very anti-social. I hated talking to really anyone and if my phone died, I wouldn't even think about charging it for weeks at a time. 

            I would always hear how kids and young adults committing suicide was becoming an epidemic, but I never thought I would be that kid. I never thought I would really want to die. But I did. And that's not something I openly would talk about. 

            March 3, 2011, I sat at the end of my bed, and I just felt so low. Worse than I ever had before. I felt like there was no reason for me to be on this earth anymore. I texted one of my friends at the time and said "I can't do this anymore." I honestly don't know why I reached out to her. I think maybe subconsciously I wanted help. She wasn't clear on what I meant, and I said "I want to take a gun to my head. I can't do this anymore, I want out." She begged me not to do it, and I sat there and cried for at least an hour, debating what I was going to do. I finally promised her I wouldn't. 

            After that night, I prayed every single day that I would be happy again. That was the only thing I wanted. Things slowly started to get better. But again, this was a process. 

          I began being very dependent on people. If my mood was down, I expected them to know how to make it better. If my mood was up, I expected them to make sure it stayed there. I also wasn't choosing who I surrounded myself with very carefully. 

           At one point, I was feeling down and I was hanging out with someone who definitely didn't have a positive affect on me. There was about a 2 week period that I had thought about cutting myself. When I brought it up to this person, their response was "me too!" And we talked about it like it was "cool." I was always too scared of the pain to actually do it, and one night I had a dream that I cut myself all the way up my arm and it hurt so bad and I was taken to the hospital. The thought never occurred to me again. 

              I eventually got to be too much for people to deal with, and that's when I looked to God more than ever. I started praying a lot. I prayed for strength, and that I wouldn't be miserable forever. Little by little, I started gaining back control of my life. I apologized to the people I had hurt, and realized I had to also show them I meant I was sorry. 

            I was so insecure with myself. If people were laughing around me, I felt like they were talking about me. I became extremely hard on myself, and I would wallow in my own self-pity. My insecurities got the best of me. 

          I started to rely more on myself, and I adjusted my focus. That was the BEST thing I did. Instead of worrying about things that didn't matter right now, I focused on what did. Who I love, what's truly important and I focused on the now. Now the "20 years from now". 

            I learned to let God take care of my worries. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I put my trust in him. I was truly happy again not long after that.

          It was a scary 8 months. I wouldn't wish Depression on ANYONE. It was constant misery every single day. But, I wouldn't be where I am today without experiencing this. Overcoming Depression has made me realize SO much. I don't take things for granted. You need bad days to appreciate the good ones. Appreciate the people who love you and think the world of you, because they won't always be here. 

        I've realized I can do anything I set my mind to! I've accomplished so much in the past 3 years that before my Freshman year, I would have never imagined I could! NEVER give up!

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka