I've been asked quite a few times if I miss my Mom. Half of the time, people expect me to say yes, and the other half thinks I'm hiding feelings when I hesitate to answer. Of course I miss my Mom, BUT not in the way you first would guess. What a lot of people don't understand is that this is my normal. This is how I grew up. You can't necessarily miss something you don't exactly remember.
I have memories of my Mom, yes, but few. I remember watching the Little Mermaid on repeat on the little TV in her nail salon while she had clients, and we'd occasionally eat ice cream together during the summer on her break.
I remember she always used to sit me on her lap on the recliner and read Charlotte's Web. She must have read that book to me an infinite amout of times.
I remember her taking me Trick-or-Treating when I was 3 and I dressed up as Elmo(it was a last minute costume, don't judge LOL).
This is where it gets difficult. For every positive memory I have with my Mom, I also have the bad ones. I don't know what she sounds like, I don't know her laugh, I don't know what perfume she wore, and I don't know what her hugs feel like. Losing my Mom is the sole thing that has effected my life in ways you could only understand if you've lost a parent. I see pictures and I so badly just want her to come to life through them and be physically here with me. I want to be able to come home and give her a hug. I want to go shopping with her and tell her when I'm upset, tell her when I'm happy, and be her best friend. I want her to look at me and tell me she's proud of me. I want her to sit next to my Dad at my graduation from High School, then College, I want her to be at my wedding. I want her to watch movies with me and let me vent when I need to. I would give ANYTHING on this earth to tell her how much I Love her and to hear her say it too.
There's a void in my life that will never be filled. As many positive women that enter my life, and do their best to be a "fill-in-Mom", it will never be enough. None of them are my Mom. I appreciate every person that has been there for me more than they probably know, but that void will always be there. When we got to choose names in French class to be "our name" for the year, I always used my Mom's name❤️ It gave me a small sense of security for 40 minutes everyday.
I have pain everyday. Some things we just aren't meat to fully understand. But I know that I'll be reunited with her someday;
I'll see her again. The things some people take for granted are the things I would literally give ANYTHING to have. Small things are important, I promise you. I lost my Mom physically, I can't see her, I can't hear her, but I gained a guardian angel. I know she's always looking out for me. I know a lot of people say that when loved ones pass, but I truly feel it. I can tell when her soul is with me and I feel her guiding me and spiritually being with me all the time.
I Love you so much, Mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Happy Happy Birthday, beautiful❤️
~May 16, 1963 - January 12, 2001~
