You Are Important

One thing I realize about myself is that I spend TOO much time worrying about other people. Unfortunetly, in the negative context. I worry about people I care about hating/not liking me, being upset or mad at me, etc. I hate that I do that, because well, the majority of our worries amount to nothing in the end. Making relationships have always been something I've been pretty good at. But if I have an argument or falling out with someone I care about, my first reaction is that they hate me and we'll never speak again. I think about it everyday, all day. And nothing good comes out of it. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree I guess. I hate not resolving things. If it's something stupid, then obviously we can just forget about it and move on. But if I'm spending days in misery over it, it's clearly not something stupid. It's so hard for me to just "get over it" and pretend nothing happened. But I finally decided to make a decision. Regardless of how hurt I am, how upset I am, or how much stress/worry I have that causes me to feel so many other things, we are ALL important.
                 Instead of turning these last few days of misery into weeks and months of misery, I decided to focus on myself. There's goals I have set, a few of them I am SO close to, but I let my feelings get in the way of succeeding. See, it's more of our mindset, not skill that determines whether or not we will fail or succeed. I want to succeed. There are so many things I want to do, and I can't spend my time being mad at someone else. Someone hurt me? Okay, so I won't worry about them for a while. You gotta know when enough is enough. Not necessarily when to walk away, but give yourself some space, and time. Focus on the things that make you happy, focus on the goals and dreams that YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH, and don't let negative feelings stop you. It is SO important to believe we can do something. If you have all this hatred and negativity inside you because of someone else, you start to look down on yourself. "No one cares about me." "No one loves me." "I'm not, or ever will be good enough." "I can't do it." You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. There are so many people that love and care about you, but if at the time you don't realize it, God loves and cares about you more than anything. He put you here for a reason; you have a genuine purpose. If you feel alone, look to Him. God will never bring you TO something that he can't bring you THROUGH.
                   God has Blessed me in so many ways, and I'll admit, I haven't always been as appreciative as I should be. I can spend an endless amount of time dwelling on things that have upset me, but I don't make the time to do what really matters. Like I've said before, people can tell when you're genuine and when you're not. If you want to be happy, help someone else be happy. Don't focus on your problems, focus on your victories!

Prayers&Positivity
Becka

How I Feel-personal

I hate how contradictory people are. Like I mentioned in yesterday's blog, people I had nothing but respect for contradicted everything they stand for, and now I can't say I look up to that. People spend too much time trying to portray a "perfect" image for their career/peers, but people don't respect "perfect" people. We respect people who are real. People make mistakes, we do stupid things, our feelings get hurt, we seek people to talk to, we have bad days, we sometimes need someone to just reach out to us, to feel needed and important. It doesn't matter if you live in a mansion, on a lake, own a fancy car, wear fancy clothes, own a multi-million dollar business. When we die, all that goes away. So many people I feel like start out "innocent" and average. They accomplish a huge goal, or become famous and start getting more and more attention, and before you know it, that fame has instantly gone to their head. Your fans aren't your friends. And that goes for anyone, "famous" or not. If you want to surround yourself with people who are constantly praising you and telling you everything you want to hear, and kissing your behind, be my guest. But it's only going to portray a worse version of you. Sometimes it hurts, but I surround myself with people who genuinely care about me and will tell me exactly how it is. Now I'm not saying surround yourself with negative people who are constantly yelling at you and picking out your flaws. Not at all. But when you're stuck between right and wrong, be around people you know will truthfully help you out.
                 Lately I've distanced myself from a lot of people. I'm spending a lot of time by myself. For me to willingly do that, that definitely shows there's some changing going on. I hate being alone all the time. I mean, yeah, a few days away from people and having time to myself is charished, just like anyone else. But I'm talking about spending days upon days kind of isolated. The worst part is that I just don't know why everyone around me is changing. I know they say if you feel like everyone around you is changing, you need to look at yourself. And I have. But I honestly don't feel like it has to do with me. I used to have my "support team" that consisted of 7 people I truly cared about and respected, and I felt like they genuinely cared about me and had respect for me. Lately, people do things without thinking, and after so many strikes I've just started distancing myself. I just can't take the heartache anymore. My feelings are literally getting hurt left and right. I make plans, someone screws them up. I try to talk to someone and I get screamed at, I distance myself and I feel lonely, I make mistakes, I'm expected to be perfect. Out of those 7 people, I literally only tolerate 3 of them anymore. 4 on a good day. The other 3 I just have no wish to deal with them. You know, like "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
                   I kind of feel trapped. People say "That's not the Becka I know." Why? Because I started defending myself? Because I make mistakes? I mean, I'm not Jesus, I'm not perfect. And I most certainly don't think or act like I am. I don't like when people try to mold me or brainwash me into the person they want me to be. I know who I am. I know what I want, and what I deserve. People are probably fed up with me right now, they probably don't want anything to do with me right now. What we need to realize is that teenagers are the most misunderstood people. One day we're happy-go-lucky, and the next we hate everyone and everything around us. I know that that is exactly how I am at this point, and people expect me to just snap out of it. I hate that I act like that just as much as the next person, but I can't necessarily just "fix" it.
                     If you need space, just ask for it. If you need help, just ask for it. If people aren't being respectful of you or giving you what you need, you have to know when to walk away.

Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Religion

Before I start this, I want to make one thing clear. I believe in God, I pray every single day, literally thank Him for waking me up that morning, I have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. However, being 16, and dealing with some issues from my past that can't just be "forgotten" or pushed aside, sometimes I'll slip away from my Faith. Not in the sense that I question it or anything like that, my beliefs are the same, my actions don't always match though. What bugs me is that I've tried talking to people about the actual situation I'm dealing with, and lately I just feel like people too loosely say "oh just pray about it". As I just said, I pray every single night; of course I'm going to pray about my struggles. But sometimes we do need to deal with our situations. I understand that God works miracles, and that he can answer our prayers. But sometimes we need to seek Counseling, someone to vent to, or just an outside opinion. People are constantly saying "I don't have time" let me just say this: if it's something you care about, you make time for it. As Christians, it is our job to help each other out, not just say "oh just pray about it" and push the person away. Maybe we just don't know how to help someone, or we don't have a lot of time IN THAT MOMENT, we can say things nicely. I've heard the saying "say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean" I feel like more and more these days, people just say things without thinking and/or caring how the other person is feeling with their issue, or after you say things. It's not always WHAT we say to people, it's HOW we say it. People know when you're being genuine, and when you're faking a smile. I know for me, there's been people I had the upmost highest respect for, and they go against everything they've said, they yell, and say things without thinking. Instead of making me feel better like the ADULTS they physically are and should act like, they make me feel like crap. And I just end up being angry and then I once again, get bitter.
Another thing that goes along with this topic, is that I feel like so many people like to throw God and Religion into all of their BS. Really. "I can't do this because God has me doing that." "I don't have time because God...." No. Reality is, you "can't" because you don't WANT to. There's a difference. Yes, God gave you the life you have, he may have blessed you in so many ways, doing so many things. But you're in control of what you do with that life. Don't blame God for these ridiculous things that you're too immature to admit.
What bugs me A LOT is other Christians act like they are sooo much better than me because they go to church. That's not my fault. I've always wanted to go to church for as long as I can remember. Physically I'm just not able to. And people try to hold that against me, and stick their nose up at me. If it was up to me, I would go to church every Sunday in a heartbeat. I really would. And when I get my license, you best believe I will! Maybe I don't read the Bible like I should, or could. But I do know a lot of important things that are said in the Bible. One of them is that no matter who we are, what we've done or haven't done, according to God's standards, we've all fallen short. We were all born sinners, we all are sinners, and we will all die sinners. No, I'm not perfect, but no one else is either.
Instead of blaming God for stupid things that we are in 100% control of, acting like we're better than everyone else, and looking down on people, lets try to help each other, be patient with each other. Jesus calls us to LOVE one another(John 15:17) Yelling at each other to get our points across and being rude and judgmental is NOT going to solve anything or make anything better.
One last thing, I don't care who you are, who you THINK you are, always remember: There is ALWAYS someone, somewhere that has a situation way worse than us..

Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Mistakes

We all make mistakes in our lives. But we're also left with at least one decision. We can choose to move on and learn from a mistake, or to dwell on it. If it was a person who maybe told us the cold hard truth about our mistake, we can choose to get bitter, or get better. I've made a lot of mistakes, just like every single one of us. But I've made a lot more than "normal" lately. No matter what it is I've done, there's always at least one person I can trust to talk to about it. Sometimes I don't like what I'm told. Sometimes the truth really does hurt....a lot. And for a couple days, I've usually gotten bitter. But I've gotten to a point where I'm sick of saying "I'm sorry" or feeling bad about my behavior, and feeling like people are frustrated with me, while I'm also frustrated with them. Like I said, it's happened to me more and more lately, and I hate how I handle situations. I've realized that instead of trying to "prevent" things from happening in the future, and dwelling on past mistakes, you just have to move on and go with the flow. Cross the bridges when you get to them, instead of planning a detour ahead of time. We don't always get our way, or hear what we wanna hear, but that's okay. That's life; and a lot of times, life is not fair. We learn to roll with the punches. I always just felt like I was wasting people's time, and instead of feeling "better" after talking to people, I felt worse in a way. I used to think that talking to people about problems was good because I didn't wanna seem fake. And yes, If you have a problem you need help with, you definitely need to seek someone to talk to. But I realized that once I get the help I needed, I DON'T need to tell "everyone". By then it's old news. I got sick of getting yelled at and being talked down to. Most of the problems I had, came from worries and fears. And most of our worries are NOTHING. And a lot of the things I worry about mean NOTHING. Because they're all things I can control. Well most of them. Lately they are. I realized I was pushing God away from me, instead of closer to me. I needed him to guide me in the right direction, instead I was going in the direction that I THOUGHT I wanted. Looking back, I don't regret what I've done, I regret that I know without a doubt, God was speaking to me, TRYING to guide me down the right path, and I ignored him. I can't do anything now except pray for forgiveness, and pray for that guidance that I need. I don't want to keep talking about change, I want to actually CHANGE! No more apologies, no more excuses. I'm ready!