Guilty Conscience

          I've felt extremely vulnerable lately, and as much as it sucks, it's a good thing. I bottle so much up, so it's good to every once in a while relieve some of that. With my vulnerability comes a ton of thinking, especially over-thinking. I really wanted to write this blog to A.) get this kind of out of my system, and B.) to show you that I am human just like everyone else, and just because I try to be an inspiration, and help others, doesn't  make me perfect, nor put me higher up than anyone else.

         I have probably one of the most guilty conscience's known to man; I really do. And some of you might think this is crazy, because well, it might be. But lately, I've felt somewhat undeserving of a relationship, and here's why:

          I don't feel that I am unworthy necessarily, or that I shouldn't be blessed like other people are to find their significant other. I am not saying this with low self-esteem or self-pity. But what I mean is that my life is, in some cases, a lot scarier than others. I'm not in any way saying that I am the only person in this world that goes through these hardships;  so many people go through much, MUCH worse. But to put this in harsh, to the point terms, I went from one day, everything being seemingly fine and "normal", to the next day, coming home from school to my Dad having a heart attack. 

        At that time, I was in a relationship and he had heard about a similar situation that occurred when I was eight, but no one could be prepared for it to happen again, I know I certainly wasn't. I give him a lot of credit for being patient with me and doing the best he could to calm me down and just be there for me. He stayed up late with me (this was during the school week) and called me in the morning to check on me, and give me a laugh =). But when all was said and done, I just felt extremely guilty that I put him through that. I still sometimes feel that way, hence me writing this blog eight months later. 

           I know that people say it's part of the "job" in a relationship to stick with your parter through thick and thin, but it's also part of the "job" to protect one another. In that situation, I feel as though I failed. I think I apologized ten times for ruining his night and keeping him up late. I remember him telling me that even though he's been involved in several different groups where kids deal with and go through a lot, and he knows how to help them, when he saw me cry, and saw how feared I was, he felt helpless. That makes me feel guilty. Not because he said that, but because again, I don't know what is going to happen in my day-to-day life. Granted, none of us do. But my biggest dreams involve my biggest fears. 

          I want to get married one day, and have a family one day...but it terrifies me that as much as I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with everything that comes into play, there's a chance he won't be here to do so. And it upsets me that even though I have wonderful women in my life that have been mother figures to me, there won't be a Mother of the Bride at my wedding. 

            Of course these things are not going to stop me from hopefully getting to experience the joy of marriage, but I feel guilty that whoever I marry is going to be on that scary journey with me. And some might say that that is what a relationship is all about, but it kills me when someone experiences something that devastated me. I don't want to have him be scared all the time like I am, or have to stay up late with me when he's exhausted. I guess because I've learned to be, for the most part emotionally strong, it's difficult for me to be emotionally weak. Especially in a relationship, because all I want is to be strong for them. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Happy Simplicity/Merry Christmas!

               Today, a girl started talking to me about the Holidays, and what I had planned for Christmas. As I finished telling her of my Holiday traditions, she smiled and told me how her family doesn't do much for Christmas. I asked her about it, and she explained that her Father works on Christmas Day, and how when she was younger, her family didn't even acknowledge Christmas. She told me that her family doesn't exchange gifts, or cook a big meal or anything. It evidently made me more sad than it did her. This was her "norm". She definitely was not sharing this as a complaint.
               The past two or three years, Christmas has kind of died down in my family. We haven't had a tree, and gifts are picked out ahead of time and either received well before Christmas, or just not wrapped, and all fancy Christmas morning. We haven't even put up a tree. And this had made me sad. Nothing about my house is Christmas-y, and there are times I stop myself from trying to feel jealous when I see other people having lights on their houses, cute decorations in their lawns, and as I scroll through the endless (yet beautiful) pictures of decorated Christmas trees. But as I said, it's because I've seen the Christmas spirit sort of...die over the years. This wasn't my norm.
               But listening to this girl tell me how simple Christmas was in her household, and just the smile she had on her face, made me take a step back, and again use my mantra, someone always has it worse than us. Sometimes around Christmas, we can get caught up in presents, and decorating, and it's definitely normal, and understandable, but things like this can really "bring you back to earth" so to speak. Like I said, not only her situation, but the fact that she is just so positive about it. She wasn't complaining, she wasn't wanting sympathy. It was just as if you were to ask "what are you doing for Christmas?" and her normal answer was that she wasn't really doing anything.
               Over the past eight or nine months, I've really stuck to the saying that someone always has it worse than us. We hear these stories on the news, see them all the time quite honestly, but do we actually stop and think about it? You might be saying "Yeah Becka, you've said this a million times before." and my response to that would be yes, I know that, and I won't stop. Everyone has their own way of being humbled, and taking that phrase into consideration is mine.
               Today has most definitely made me more appreciative of what I do have, and made me not dwell on the things that I don't. Christmas has never been about gifts for me, but little things like not having a tree made me sad, but not anymore. This will definitely not be my last blog beforehand, but I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope reading this will make you appreciate it this year a little bit more. =)


Prayers&Positivity
Becka