I have probably one of the most guilty conscience's known to man; I really do. And some of you might think this is crazy, because well, it might be. But lately, I've felt somewhat undeserving of a relationship, and here's why:
I don't feel that I am unworthy necessarily, or that I shouldn't be blessed like other people are to find their significant other. I am not saying this with low self-esteem or self-pity. But what I mean is that my life is, in some cases, a lot scarier than others. I'm not in any way saying that I am the only person in this world that goes through these hardships; so many people go through much, MUCH worse. But to put this in harsh, to the point terms, I went from one day, everything being seemingly fine and "normal", to the next day, coming home from school to my Dad having a heart attack.
At that time, I was in a relationship and he had heard about a similar situation that occurred when I was eight, but no one could be prepared for it to happen again, I know I certainly wasn't. I give him a lot of credit for being patient with me and doing the best he could to calm me down and just be there for me. He stayed up late with me (this was during the school week) and called me in the morning to check on me, and give me a laugh =). But when all was said and done, I just felt extremely guilty that I put him through that. I still sometimes feel that way, hence me writing this blog eight months later.
I know that people say it's part of the "job" in a relationship to stick with your parter through thick and thin, but it's also part of the "job" to protect one another. In that situation, I feel as though I failed. I think I apologized ten times for ruining his night and keeping him up late. I remember him telling me that even though he's been involved in several different groups where kids deal with and go through a lot, and he knows how to help them, when he saw me cry, and saw how feared I was, he felt helpless. That makes me feel guilty. Not because he said that, but because again, I don't know what is going to happen in my day-to-day life. Granted, none of us do. But my biggest dreams involve my biggest fears.
I want to get married one day, and have a family one day...but it terrifies me that as much as I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with everything that comes into play, there's a chance he won't be here to do so. And it upsets me that even though I have wonderful women in my life that have been mother figures to me, there won't be a Mother of the Bride at my wedding.
Of course these things are not going to stop me from hopefully getting to experience the joy of marriage, but I feel guilty that whoever I marry is going to be on that scary journey with me. And some might say that that is what a relationship is all about, but it kills me when someone experiences something that devastated me. I don't want to have him be scared all the time like I am, or have to stay up late with me when he's exhausted. I guess because I've learned to be, for the most part emotionally strong, it's difficult for me to be emotionally weak. Especially in a relationship, because all I want is to be strong for them.
Prayers&Positivity
Becka
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