I hate how contradictory people are. Like I mentioned in yesterday's blog, people I had nothing but respect for contradicted everything they stand for, and now I can't say I look up to that. People spend too much time trying to portray a "perfect" image for their career/peers, but people don't respect "perfect" people. We respect people who are real. People make mistakes, we do stupid things, our feelings get hurt, we seek people to talk to, we have bad days, we sometimes need someone to just reach out to us, to feel needed and important. It doesn't matter if you live in a mansion, on a lake, own a fancy car, wear fancy clothes, own a multi-million dollar business. When we die, all that goes away. So many people I feel like start out "innocent" and average. They accomplish a huge goal, or become famous and start getting more and more attention, and before you know it, that fame has instantly gone to their head. Your fans aren't your friends. And that goes for anyone, "famous" or not. If you want to surround yourself with people who are constantly praising you and telling you everything you want to hear, and kissing your behind, be my guest. But it's only going to portray a worse version of you. Sometimes it hurts, but I surround myself with people who genuinely care about me and will tell me exactly how it is. Now I'm not saying surround yourself with negative people who are constantly yelling at you and picking out your flaws. Not at all. But when you're stuck between right and wrong, be around people you know will truthfully help you out.
Lately I've distanced myself from a lot of people. I'm spending a lot of time by myself. For me to willingly do that, that definitely shows there's some changing going on. I hate being alone all the time. I mean, yeah, a few days away from people and having time to myself is charished, just like anyone else. But I'm talking about spending days upon days kind of isolated. The worst part is that I just don't know why everyone around me is changing. I know they say if you feel like everyone around you is changing, you need to look at yourself. And I have. But I honestly don't feel like it has to do with me. I used to have my "support team" that consisted of 7 people I truly cared about and respected, and I felt like they genuinely cared about me and had respect for me. Lately, people do things without thinking, and after so many strikes I've just started distancing myself. I just can't take the heartache anymore. My feelings are literally getting hurt left and right. I make plans, someone screws them up. I try to talk to someone and I get screamed at, I distance myself and I feel lonely, I make mistakes, I'm expected to be perfect. Out of those 7 people, I literally only tolerate 3 of them anymore. 4 on a good day. The other 3 I just have no wish to deal with them. You know, like "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all."
I kind of feel trapped. People say "That's not the Becka I know." Why? Because I started defending myself? Because I make mistakes? I mean, I'm not Jesus, I'm not perfect. And I most certainly don't think or act like I am. I don't like when people try to mold me or brainwash me into the person they want me to be. I know who I am. I know what I want, and what I deserve. People are probably fed up with me right now, they probably don't want anything to do with me right now. What we need to realize is that teenagers are the most misunderstood people. One day we're happy-go-lucky, and the next we hate everyone and everything around us. I know that that is exactly how I am at this point, and people expect me to just snap out of it. I hate that I act like that just as much as the next person, but I can't necessarily just "fix" it.
If you need space, just ask for it. If you need help, just ask for it. If people aren't being respectful of you or giving you what you need, you have to know when to walk away.
Prayers&Positivity
Becka
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