Depression: My Story

         I hesitated writing this blog in fear it was too personal, and I guess I was never really ready to publicize it. But, I always say if I can inspire one person, I'm doing something right. 

          The first week of 9th grade was like the beginning to any school year. I was trying to get back into the swing of things; I felt different, kind of awkward. I figured the feelings were typical back-to-school nerves.

          Weeks went by, and this feeling just wouldn't go away. It actually got worse. When I came home from school, I just felt sad. As time progressed, it got to the point where I would start crying for no reason. Nothing would have happened, but I would start crying for hour-long periods. I didn't know why, I just knew I was sad. This happened every single day. 

            After roughly two weeks of these episodes, I brought it up to the counselor I had been seeing. Every session, I would really only say one thing, "I feel sad." It got to be annoying, even to myself. I tried so hard to put my feelings into words, but I just couldn't. 

              I started writing down the times I felt sad and a little of how I was feeling. Every week, I would bring them to my counselor. One of the entries read:

 

"8:55am.                               9/20/10

I'm feeling sad, almost to the point of crying. I think if I were at home, I would've cried. Dreading this afternoon and my future."

     The following week, we had a group session, meaning my Dad was in the room with my counselor and I. We all talked and expressed what we needed to and that was when my counselor said that I was dealing with Depression. 

       I had a hard time accepting that. I tried to deny it, but in the back of my head, I think I always knew Depression was a huge possibility. It's a serious thing, and I didn't want to be looked at like there was something wrong with me. 

        However, once I did realize and "accept" the fact that I had Depression, I started to rebel against the counseling process. I felt like I was getting ganged up on, but in reality, we all wanted the same thing: for me to be happy. 

          My counselor kept suggesting anti-depressants. I think they are a great thing for some people, and I'm not against them in any way. I just didn't feel like they were for me. Although I never wanted to admit it, there were times I actually thought about taking them because I was so desperate to be happy again. But I felt like it would be something I would decide, not something I would be forced to do. 

              A few weeks after her initial suggestion, my counselor entertained the idea of me seeing a psychiatrist, because they specialize in that field. It scared me because I knew that if he thought I needed medication, I'd get it no matter what I wanted. It was also nerve-wracking due to all the negative stigmas attached to their profession. 

              He went through a list and asked me probably 20 or so questions. Most of them were easy and I could just simply say "no". The last question he asked me was "Are you suicidal?" I froze. There were many times I had thought of suicide, but I had never tried to kill myself, or made a plan to do so, and since since my Dad was in his office with me, I didn't want to admit it, and I said "no". However, my counselor had told him things I had said to her, and he did make me talk about it. Once he realized I was only trying to explain how I felt, and not making a suicidal threat, he came to the conclusion that medication was not something I needed. 

          By January, I decided to quit counseling. I didn't feel like I was able to be helped. I had been depression for five months, and I now felt like I was kind of on my own. I had become very anti-social. I hated talking to really anyone and if my phone died, I wouldn't even think about charging it for weeks at a time. 

            I would always hear how kids and young adults committing suicide was becoming an epidemic, but I never thought I would be that kid. I never thought I would really want to die. But I did. And that's not something I openly would talk about. 

            March 3, 2011, I sat at the end of my bed, and I just felt so low. Worse than I ever had before. I felt like there was no reason for me to be on this earth anymore. I texted one of my friends at the time and said "I can't do this anymore." I honestly don't know why I reached out to her. I think maybe subconsciously I wanted help. She wasn't clear on what I meant, and I said "I want to take a gun to my head. I can't do this anymore, I want out." She begged me not to do it, and I sat there and cried for at least an hour, debating what I was going to do. I finally promised her I wouldn't. 

            After that night, I prayed every single day that I would be happy again. That was the only thing I wanted. Things slowly started to get better. But again, this was a process. 

          I began being very dependent on people. If my mood was down, I expected them to know how to make it better. If my mood was up, I expected them to make sure it stayed there. I also wasn't choosing who I surrounded myself with very carefully. 

           At one point, I was feeling down and I was hanging out with someone who definitely didn't have a positive affect on me. There was about a 2 week period that I had thought about cutting myself. When I brought it up to this person, their response was "me too!" And we talked about it like it was "cool." I was always too scared of the pain to actually do it, and one night I had a dream that I cut myself all the way up my arm and it hurt so bad and I was taken to the hospital. The thought never occurred to me again. 

              I eventually got to be too much for people to deal with, and that's when I looked to God more than ever. I started praying a lot. I prayed for strength, and that I wouldn't be miserable forever. Little by little, I started gaining back control of my life. I apologized to the people I had hurt, and realized I had to also show them I meant I was sorry. 

            I was so insecure with myself. If people were laughing around me, I felt like they were talking about me. I became extremely hard on myself, and I would wallow in my own self-pity. My insecurities got the best of me. 

          I started to rely more on myself, and I adjusted my focus. That was the BEST thing I did. Instead of worrying about things that didn't matter right now, I focused on what did. Who I love, what's truly important and I focused on the now. Now the "20 years from now". 

            I learned to let God take care of my worries. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I put my trust in him. I was truly happy again not long after that.

          It was a scary 8 months. I wouldn't wish Depression on ANYONE. It was constant misery every single day. But, I wouldn't be where I am today without experiencing this. Overcoming Depression has made me realize SO much. I don't take things for granted. You need bad days to appreciate the good ones. Appreciate the people who love you and think the world of you, because they won't always be here. 

        I've realized I can do anything I set my mind to! I've accomplished so much in the past 3 years that before my Freshman year, I would have never imagined I could! NEVER give up!

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

   

Asking For Advice

         We all do it. Whether we're at a crossroads in our lives, or undecided about something. You might go to a close friend, counselor, or family member to get their insight or opinion. 

         Some people might feel like they don't need help, or they think asking for advice is damaging to their pride. There is a big difference between asking someone for their advice, and going to someone for help. Someone's advice is just that, THEIR advice. 

          There is nothing wrong with wanting someone's insight other than your own. Sometimes when we ask for advice, you can choose to take it, but no one says you HAVE to. For example, when you're torn between two different things, if someone's advice is to do one thing, maybe that's when you're able to realize you really want to do the other thing. Just because you didn't take that persons advice, it was still beneficial to you. 

          As humans, we have feelings, and a billion decisions to make in life. And even though it is 100% natural and normal to go to someone for their advice or opinion on something, you know yourself better than anyone. Sometimes we subconsciously know what we want,  but we just need someone else to reveal it. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Your Subconscious Mind

Have you ever heard the saying, "Never let a woman go to sleep mad or sad."? I am quite the night owl, but when I'm suffering any sort of negative emotion such as anger, stress, or sadness, I physically cannot sleep. However, many times, I have managed to suppress those feelings to the point where I may not realize that I have them. According to my conscious mind, I'm just simply "not tired". 

          The subconscious mind controls roughly 50-60% of our brain's capabilities. It is in charge of our most recent memories, our basic information [such as your address], and it is also where your constant thoughts, behavioral patterns and emotions are stored. The subconscious mind works closely with the unconscious mind, hence the reasoning behind why you may not know something is bothering you quite directly.

           Your subconscious stays much more aware of your surroundings than you perceive. However, it takes direction from the conscious mind. Meaning, your subconscious will only reveal the feelings in which you continuously think about. If you are someone who suppresses emotion, and forces yourself to think the opposite, your subconscious will model those feelings. But It is not quite that easy. Your subconscious is responsible for fight or flight responses. So for example, if you have to give a presentation in class, and you feel nervous, trying to convince yourself to relax won't do the trick.

         The subconscious is the only part of the brain that runs 24/7, and that is why you may find yourself having dreams at night that mirror suppressed feelings. Maybe if a friend angered you, but you didn't act on that frustration, but suppressed it, you might have a dream where you are lashing out. 

          The only way to put yourself at ease in any of these situations is to become self-aware. For some, that is easier said than done. You'll really need to dig deep and find the root of the problem you are having, or emotion you've suppressed. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

           

"Adoption"

For those of you that don't know, my brother is adopted; however, that is his story to tell, not mine. The reason for this blog is because I want to make something a little clearer: Our parents took him home from the hospital -he is THEIR son. 

      When we were younger, kids would ask me obvious questions, such as "why do you guys look different?" At the time, it was a little strange because I never looked at him differently and it was odd to me that other people did. But now I realize that kids are curious and it's all fine and well. 

      What really bothers me is how close-minded people are to this day. My brother will be 20, and I'll be 17; so there's really no excuses at this age, other than people being either ignorant, or thinking they know things when they know zero. It shocks me that there are still people that make comments saying "your adopted brother". No, he is and has ALWAYS been MY BROTHER. He is the brother God intended for me to have. I don't look at him as "someone else's kid" or "my brother who is adopted". He's just my brother. 

        I had a friend that if I talked to about a fight I had with him, and I felt like my Dad was taking his side or something (typical sibling problems), she would make the remark, "but you're his blood daughter". No matter how mad I was about the fight, those remarks angered me more. Like I previously have said, my brother is our parent's child, just as I am. He is the son God wanted our parents to have. 

        A child who is adopted did not choose to be. They weren't born saying "I don't like my blood family, give me to this one". A lot of children are adopted because their biological parents can't give them the life they deserve. I think it's a precious and selfless thing. Regardless of the fights, the yelling, any negative thing, my brother is my brother.

         I realize that some comments are not made with the intention of offending anybody, but with topics like Adoption, you want to think before you speak (as we all should with anything). 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

No Friends > Fake Friends

There's so much drama that happens in middle school; at least what I remember of it. I went through a couple of situations where "friends" were using me, and then ditching me and I didn't trust many of them anymore. Being in middle school, you want to have a lot of friends, it makes you feel cooler, and you feel like you belong somewhere. My grandma always used to tell me that having no friends was better than having fake friends. I thought she was crazy at the time -I wanted people to hang out with. 

       The point of friends are for them to be there for you, as you are for them. You have a mutual trust, and people you enjoy being around. What is the point of spending time with people you really don't like all that much, you don't trust, and you all talk about each other behind each other's backs? 

        Sometimes being alone doesn't mean anything negative. It doesn't mean "you suck", no one likes you, etc. Many times, it can just mean that you know the type of people you want to surround yourself with, and you're not going to settle for less. There is however a difference between not having friends, and isolating yourself. Don't purposely cut yourself off from people, especially when you feel rejected by a group of "friends". Be yourself, and the right people will come along! 

          In school, it's hard thinking about "where am I going to sit in lunch?" "Who am I going to work with on this project?" But don't over think things. Wait until you actually walk into that cafeteria, or classroom. Just because you maybe don't have a close group to immediately turn to, doesn't mean you don't have acquaintances that will help you out. 

          It's better to have no friends than to have fake friends because especially in middle/high school, you don't want to spend all of this time being frustrated with people that feel almost like a chore to hang out with. Like I said, be yourself, and you will attract the right friends, that WILL be there for you and support you. 

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

Crying is Not Weakness

Everyone has their own perception of what "being strong" means. When I was younger, I thought being strong meant you never cried; you never had "weak moments". As I've gotten older and experienced much more in my life, I realize that that can't be further from the truth. 

       I was always taught that it was never okay to cry. I had to "be strong". That stuck with me up until a couple of years ago, and I still rarely cry in front of people, but yes, I do cry sometimes. We all do. And no, it does not make us weak.

        Everyone has moments where they need to let out all of the negative energy that may be inside them. And for many of us, just being able to break down and cry helps us relieve so much that we bottle up. Those moments don't make us weak. They only make us stronger. They help us delve into our issues and learn from them, rather than keeping things inside, and pretending they don't exist. 

         Being strong is being able to realize that your life is not perfect; realizing what issues you are facing, understanding them, and coping with them. In some cases, letting everything out can only help you, not hurt you. The only way to sort through these things is with a clear head, and if in order to do that you need to let out some tears, that is 100% okay.

        From my past experiences, anyone who tells you that it's not okay to cry, are the weakest. They're the ones that don't have their life together, but try to pretend they do. Strong people don't have to pretend; they know they aren't perfect, and they embrace it.

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka 

         

Don't Give Up!

No matter where you go, what you do, what you say, how you feel, how you dress, etc. there is ALWAYS going to be at least one person that tries to bring you down and criticize you. Why? Because you're above them. They are afraid of your success. What does that mean? Keep doing what you love, keep pursuing what it is you want to be successful at. Whether it's a career, personal goal, or just the way you think. 

       The people that become most successful are the ones who refuse to give up. They don't take ANYTHING from anybody and the belief they have in themselves is all the drive they need. Of course it always helps when you have people supporting and encouraging you, but even if you don't, that doesn't mean you're wrong.

         Success is not based on popularity. You could have twenty people surrounding you, but that's not going to get you to the top. 

          I have a friend who is seemingly kind of a "black sheep". Their interests are different than a lot of people our age, their views are slightly different. I constantly see them battling people telling them what they can and can't do, that their opinion or thoughts are "wrong", but what I love about them is that despite all of that, they haven't changed one thing about their interests or thoughts. 

           It's people like that that inspire me. In life, people are going to try to get you off track and make you feel unimportant; they're going to tell you that you can't do it. I want you to pay close attention to this: the reason someone will tell you "you can't do it", is because THEY can't do it. They can't dream as big as you can, they don't have half of the determination that you have. No matter what ANYONE will tell you, NEVER give up!