Dealing with Anger

        We've all heard the saying, "Anger is one letter away from 'danger'". A couple of years ago [and sometimes to this day], I can get pretty nasty when I get extremely angry. I've stated in previous blogs that I have a BAD habit of bottling everything up over time. When I get angry, there's a 50/50 chance that I will uncontrollably release it. I talked with a mentor of mine, because I knew that the amount of anger I sometimes experienced was not healthy, and it made me feel like a horrible person. He said something that I still take to heart: "emotions are not bad, how you deal with them can be."

          It is more than normal for us to get angry. We have feelings and emotions, and sometimes people and things can influence them. In Matthew 5:44, God says, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." It has taken me a long time to understand this verse fully, and I completely understand that it is not the easiest thing for us to always do.

          We are often left feeling guilty, defeated, and upset when something has brought us to where we let our negative emotions get the best of us. At the bare minimum, apologize. Some people will get swallowed up with pride, and don't want to seem weak, or lose their dignity; but in reality, you are being strong, and being the bigger person to admit your faults. "Apologizing doesn't always mean you are wrong and the other person is right; it means you value the relationship more than your ego." And in many situations, there may not be someone who is "right", but someone should DO the right thing and apologize. The other person may not accept it, but you can walk away knowing you did the right thing.

        Matthew 6:14 -"for if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you." We all make mistakes, and especially in arguing with another person, whether we think we are right or not, both individuals have fallen guilty to the same thing. We are both in a negative state of mind, and have spoken words we do not mean. You cannot hold someone accountable for making a mistake that you have also made. 

          Several times in the Bible, God states that He calls us to Love. He wants us to forgive, and he wants us to have peace. I not only pray for my enemies, but I also pray for peace in my heart as well, and I pray that God takes my anger away; luckily for me, I do not stay angry for very long.

            When you pray for your enemies, you are taking away their power, and giving your strain to God. God wants to, and WILL fight our battles for us, but we need to call upon His name. Let God be in control of whatever situation is burdening you, and give your worries to Him. If you're reading this and thinking "she must be out of her mind", I know, I thought the SAME thing two years ago, but I PROMISE you, that you will feel relief. John 14:14 -"if he shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it." God wants us to be set free, and again, he wants us to Love. But we cannot Love until we let go of anger.

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

Guilty Conscience

          I've felt extremely vulnerable lately, and as much as it sucks, it's a good thing. I bottle so much up, so it's good to every once in a while relieve some of that. With my vulnerability comes a ton of thinking, especially over-thinking. I really wanted to write this blog to A.) get this kind of out of my system, and B.) to show you that I am human just like everyone else, and just because I try to be an inspiration, and help others, doesn't  make me perfect, nor put me higher up than anyone else.

         I have probably one of the most guilty conscience's known to man; I really do. And some of you might think this is crazy, because well, it might be. But lately, I've felt somewhat undeserving of a relationship, and here's why:

          I don't feel that I am unworthy necessarily, or that I shouldn't be blessed like other people are to find their significant other. I am not saying this with low self-esteem or self-pity. But what I mean is that my life is, in some cases, a lot scarier than others. I'm not in any way saying that I am the only person in this world that goes through these hardships;  so many people go through much, MUCH worse. But to put this in harsh, to the point terms, I went from one day, everything being seemingly fine and "normal", to the next day, coming home from school to my Dad having a heart attack. 

        At that time, I was in a relationship and he had heard about a similar situation that occurred when I was eight, but no one could be prepared for it to happen again, I know I certainly wasn't. I give him a lot of credit for being patient with me and doing the best he could to calm me down and just be there for me. He stayed up late with me (this was during the school week) and called me in the morning to check on me, and give me a laugh =). But when all was said and done, I just felt extremely guilty that I put him through that. I still sometimes feel that way, hence me writing this blog eight months later. 

           I know that people say it's part of the "job" in a relationship to stick with your parter through thick and thin, but it's also part of the "job" to protect one another. In that situation, I feel as though I failed. I think I apologized ten times for ruining his night and keeping him up late. I remember him telling me that even though he's been involved in several different groups where kids deal with and go through a lot, and he knows how to help them, when he saw me cry, and saw how feared I was, he felt helpless. That makes me feel guilty. Not because he said that, but because again, I don't know what is going to happen in my day-to-day life. Granted, none of us do. But my biggest dreams involve my biggest fears. 

          I want to get married one day, and have a family one day...but it terrifies me that as much as I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with everything that comes into play, there's a chance he won't be here to do so. And it upsets me that even though I have wonderful women in my life that have been mother figures to me, there won't be a Mother of the Bride at my wedding. 

            Of course these things are not going to stop me from hopefully getting to experience the joy of marriage, but I feel guilty that whoever I marry is going to be on that scary journey with me. And some might say that that is what a relationship is all about, but it kills me when someone experiences something that devastated me. I don't want to have him be scared all the time like I am, or have to stay up late with me when he's exhausted. I guess because I've learned to be, for the most part emotionally strong, it's difficult for me to be emotionally weak. Especially in a relationship, because all I want is to be strong for them. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Happy Simplicity/Merry Christmas!

               Today, a girl started talking to me about the Holidays, and what I had planned for Christmas. As I finished telling her of my Holiday traditions, she smiled and told me how her family doesn't do much for Christmas. I asked her about it, and she explained that her Father works on Christmas Day, and how when she was younger, her family didn't even acknowledge Christmas. She told me that her family doesn't exchange gifts, or cook a big meal or anything. It evidently made me more sad than it did her. This was her "norm". She definitely was not sharing this as a complaint.
               The past two or three years, Christmas has kind of died down in my family. We haven't had a tree, and gifts are picked out ahead of time and either received well before Christmas, or just not wrapped, and all fancy Christmas morning. We haven't even put up a tree. And this had made me sad. Nothing about my house is Christmas-y, and there are times I stop myself from trying to feel jealous when I see other people having lights on their houses, cute decorations in their lawns, and as I scroll through the endless (yet beautiful) pictures of decorated Christmas trees. But as I said, it's because I've seen the Christmas spirit sort of...die over the years. This wasn't my norm.
               But listening to this girl tell me how simple Christmas was in her household, and just the smile she had on her face, made me take a step back, and again use my mantra, someone always has it worse than us. Sometimes around Christmas, we can get caught up in presents, and decorating, and it's definitely normal, and understandable, but things like this can really "bring you back to earth" so to speak. Like I said, not only her situation, but the fact that she is just so positive about it. She wasn't complaining, she wasn't wanting sympathy. It was just as if you were to ask "what are you doing for Christmas?" and her normal answer was that she wasn't really doing anything.
               Over the past eight or nine months, I've really stuck to the saying that someone always has it worse than us. We hear these stories on the news, see them all the time quite honestly, but do we actually stop and think about it? You might be saying "Yeah Becka, you've said this a million times before." and my response to that would be yes, I know that, and I won't stop. Everyone has their own way of being humbled, and taking that phrase into consideration is mine.
               Today has most definitely made me more appreciative of what I do have, and made me not dwell on the things that I don't. Christmas has never been about gifts for me, but little things like not having a tree made me sad, but not anymore. This will definitely not be my last blog beforehand, but I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope reading this will make you appreciate it this year a little bit more. =)


Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Reflection

             We did an activity today in one of my classes that surprisingly threw me completely out of my comfort zone. So far this year, some of the other students have said that this class feels sort of like Group Therapy, and have been out of their comfort zone with previous activities and writing assignments. However, I am an open book when it comes to a lot of things, and I never expected that I would have that feeling at all during this course.
             When something "tragic" happens in my life, I have a habit of pushing it somewhere in my brain where it is not recognized or often thought about. I pretend it never happened and I am not in any way saying this is a good way to cope with things, but I run away from them. It's kind of like 90% of me is open to talking about my personal experiences, and such, but 10% of me is a closed door that VERY few people will ever know about because it's just too much for me to relive, and think about. During this activity, I felt like the door to that 10% of me had been forced open and I felt like I wasn't in control, and as much as I wanted to leave the room and cry, I stopped myself and did what was asked of us.
             Now for what you probably really want to know: what was the assignment? We had to write down negative things that adults in our lives have told us. Again, I'm not one to let what others say to me affect me, really, but when I think about things that I have been told especially in my childhood, it really makes me think of how much of an impact that has on the way I am today. For example, from a young age, I was taught that it is not okay to cry. It was repeated to me, even in the worst of times, I was told it wasn't acceptable. To this day, I really only cry in a couple of situations. But like today, I wanted to start crying right there in class, but that part of my brain started and I stopped myself. Now, I know there is a lot of people that don't like to cry in public, and they could stop themselves like that, but as a reflection on my own self, I can't help but think that what I was told as a child, impacts the way I live my life now.
             It was also really hard for me because not only did I start remembering things that were said to me, but everything that came with that. Such as the place, and the way it was said. It was as if I went back to each moment that I was told something negative, and I did not like it. I was very uncomfortable.
            This is NOT a blog I am writing for sympathy in any way, it is just a reflection. There's not many things or people that can get me to open the door to that 10% of me, so this was really surprising to me, and to be honest, still is. When I start thinking of one thing, it leads to another, and another, and so on. As much as I despise getting emotionally thrown out of my comfort zone, it really is a good thing, because running away from, and/or denying things won't help you heal. Sometimes I think that if I pretend it never happened, then it doesn't exist, and I can just move on from it, but our minds don't really work like that. It may work for a little while, until you start doing something, or acting a certain way, or reacting to something that is completely out of your "norm". At some point, in order to heal, we have to dig deep and uncover things that make us cry, and make us uncomfortable. But one thing that I have learned over the decade, is that it is okay to cry. If you're mad, get mad. If you're upset, be upset. If you're happy, smile, and make someone else smile with you. The only thing that isn't okay is to STAY sad, or mad. As humans, we make mistakes, and negative things will happen to us, and that is all the more reason to show your true feelings and "get it out of your system" before it causes a bigger problem.



Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Emotional Stress/Update(s)

         This past week or so, I've been under a great deal of emotional stress. I find myself in this type of situation once or twice a year, and I get really distant, and almost just want to shut down completely. However, when we get to points like this, a lot of times it's caused by storing emotions inside for a long period of time, letting things build up and add on, and our bodies and our minds are telling us we need a break. 

       For me, this means that I'm taking a break from the things and negative emotions that I'm feeling, and really just focusing on myself. The one thing that always gets me motivated and makes me feel renewed, is working out and focusing on losing more weight. Whether it be walking/running, or doing an intense training session, exercising ALWAYS clears my head and makes me feel at least somewhat better.

        With that being said, I am starting a 30-Day Crossfit Challenge tomorrow, October 28th. I am extremely excited about this (almost too much!) and I will be posting many more updates, and weekly blogs about how I am doing with that. I will also be sharing more quotes, stories and tips along the way. 

To start me off:

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch!" 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Thank You❤

         All of us have those occasional nights where we think about about our lives. For me, as I'm reminiscing my past, and the events that forever changed my life, I think of the people that were there for me. A lot of people back away from scary situations, or they don't know what to say or do, therefore, they don't say or do anything. Being someone's rock can be challenging, it is not easy by any means. In certain situations, I often say that the person going through the difficulty, and the one supporting that person, struggle the same. You may think that sounds crazy, but here's why: no doubt, the person dealing with a loss, a health issue, etc. has a lot to be emotional about, worried about, and scared about. However, often times they do have support. The person who is trying to be there for the victim of the situation is dealing with the inner battle of "am I doing enough for them?", the roller coaster of emotions, and in my experiences, they are the ones other people come to for knowledge of what is going on. The support doesn't have support, and is trying to be strong enough for two people.

         With this being said, I want to take the time to Thank all of the people that have been there for me through any or all of the tragedies I've faced thus far in my life. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart Love and appreciate all of you so much. There is no question, I would not be here without you.

          To the ones who became like second Mothers to me, Thank you. You all have had a tremendous influence in my life, and even though I lost my Mom, I gained 3 and I love you all so, so much.

         To the ones that became like family to me, Thank you. Blood does not make you family, and this could not be more true for me. I love you all like family and nothing will ever change that.

         To the ones who were by my side through two of the hardest situations I've been in, both 9 years ago, and 5 months ago, Thank you. I honestly would not have been able to do it without any of you. I have tried to put myself in all of your shoes and I think about what I would have done, had it been the other way around, and your strength for me has helped me more than you realize. The places to sleep at night, the funny stories to lift me up and laugh, and the safeness I felt with you does not go one day without being appreciated. I Love you all more than you will ever know. 

         To the ones who inspire me on a daily basis, Thank you. You've shown me that there is so much to be happy, and thankful for. Being surrounded by you motivates me to be my best self. You are all so Amazing.

        To the ones who have helped me become who I am today, and who are always looking out for me, Thank you. I don't think I would be here today without you. You guys have made me realize so much about myself and my potential, and that only inspires me every single day to be better than I was yesterday. You have helped me to stay motivated to reach my goals, and have said "I am proud of you" when I do. You've shown me what is possible, and that you believe in me, and for that, I will always be grateful. I love you guys so much!

          And last, but certainly not least, to my Dad and my Guardian Angel, my Mom, I Love you two more than anything in this world. I've learned so much from both of you. Life is short, so don't be too afraid to try new things, to chase your dreams, and to live life to the fullest. Mom, Thank you for always watching down on me and protecting me, thank you for being the best Mom in the entire world to Josh and I. I would give ANYTHING to see your Beautiful face again, and I will someday. I Love you so much❤ Dad, Thank you for always being there for me. Through thick and thin, and other people coming and going, you have been a constant in my life, and I appreciate that more than anything. You are the STRONGEST person I know, and it only makes me stronger. You inspire me every day. I Love you more than life itself and I mean that whole heartedly. 

     You all mean the world to me, and I am so blessed to have/have had you in my life. You guys are the best of the best, and I Love you all more than I think you could possibly know. Once again, Thank You❤ 

Love,

Becka

            

The Biggest Loser

       There was a comment made during a commercial for The Biggest Loser today. "Why would you want to show America how ridiculously fat you are?!" This really upset me. As someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life, I commend every contestant that does go on the show. How many people sit on their couch, just WATCHING The Biggest Loser? A heck of a lot more than the Biggest Loser contestants. The people that send videos into the show genuinely want to lose weight. They are willing to take the viewers on their weight loss journey with them, no matter how heavy they start. That alone is inspiring to me. They put in HOURS of hard work. They are real people, with real health concerns, that want to change their lives. 

         I've watched probably 4 or 5 seasons of The Biggest Loser, and the contestants usually are very insecure about how heavy they are. There's always the two or three that are labeled the heaviest on the ranch, and I'm sure that is not an easy thing to deal with; especially when you are surrounded by people with the same issue. No one likes the weigh-ins, where the men have to be shirtless and the women are in sports bras. They don't do it to show America "how fat they are.", they do it to show America that if you're struggling with obesity, you can overcome it, too. 

          Yes, it's a reality show. I get it. But this is probably one of the most REALISTIC reality shows because these people are forever changing their lives, AND inspiring millions every step of the way. They have trainers, and set schedules, but the contestants are doing ALL of the work. You can have a doctor or a trainer consistently tell you to do something, but they can't do it for you.

           I'm very fortunate that growing up, I was never really bullied for being overweight, but I am extremely defensive over these things because I do know how difficult it is to lose weight.  

       I believe that if you don't know, you shouldn't talk. If you watch the show and it's just not your cup of tea, it doesn't pertain to you, etc. that's fine. That's your opinion, and you are fully entitled to it. However, if you haven't seen the show, you don't know anything about the struggle of being overweight, I don't think you have room to make ignorant comments.