We Create What We Fear Most

          Lack of communication, and over-thinking are two things that can completely destroy a person's outlook on anything. I think sometimes when we don't know how to vocally express what we want or need, depending on how we DO react, it can be threatening. Maybe you start to act out, and test boundaries. You are trying to express that what you want is attention, but to everyone else, you just need to take a chill pill. And 9.5 times out of 10, what you get as a result of that behavior, is NEGATIVE attention, which, in my opinion is worse than none. 

        Life is all about trial and error. We learn how to act and communicate, but when we don't know how to, or we become impatient with other people, it is completely natural to overthink. One thing that I have learned over the past year is: we create what we fear most. What happens is we begin overthinking about a situation, and you immediately assume the worse. It's safer that way, right? Easier let down. Wrong. You have to take things for what they are; and a lot of times, that can be one of the hardest things to do sometimes because we feel anxious and pressured, and want answers right that second. When you assume the worse, it's only appropriate to plan for the worst, right? Wrong again. You end up making a situation, that for all you know, could be the complete opposite of how you're imagining it to be, and you turn it into the situation you're panicking over. Before you can get a handle on it, you have just created what you feared most. The worst part about that, is a lot of times when you have already reached that point, it's rare you get a do-over. 

          You have to know what you want and what you need. If you aren't ready to verbally express those emotions to others, you have to understand that the other people can't read your mind, and being patient is your best option. Easy for me to say, a lot harder for me to do. We all have our strong points, and our weak points. I know that patience is something I have to learn in order to not create a situation I do not want. 

        "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results." By that definition, I think we're all a little insane. Again, you have to use trial and error. If being obnoxious in an effort for attention fails, you have to stop. Don't push boundaries on purpose, because there comes a time when you push too far. And again, you don't get a do-over. Take things in as you learn them, learn what works and what doesn't, take a deep breath, and do not let your mind start wandering in the negative direction.

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

My Mom❤️

            I felt an overwhelming presence of my Mom as I sat down to write this. Today is her Birthday and this is one of the few days of the year when everything seems to 'hit me'. 

            I've been asked quite a few times if I miss my Mom. Half of the time, people expect me to say yes, and the other half thinks I'm hiding feelings when I hesitate to answer. Of course I miss my Mom, BUT not in the way you first would guess. What a lot of people don't understand is that this is my normal. This is how I grew up. You can't necessarily miss something you don't exactly remember. 

         I have memories of my Mom, yes, but few. I remember watching the Little Mermaid on repeat on the little TV in her nail salon while she had clients, and we'd occasionally eat ice cream together during the summer on her break. 

          I remember she always used to sit me on her lap on the recliner and read Charlotte's Web. She must have read that book to me an infinite amout of times. 

        I remember her taking me Trick-or-Treating when I was 3 and I dressed up as Elmo(it was a last minute costume, don't judge LOL). 

        This is where it gets difficult. For every positive memory I have with my Mom, I also have the bad ones. I don't know what she sounds like, I don't know her laugh, I don't know what perfume she wore, and I don't know what her hugs feel like. Losing my Mom is the sole thing that has effected my life in ways you could only understand if you've lost a parent. I see pictures and I so badly just want her to come to life through them and be physically here with me. I want to be able to come home and give her a hug. I want to go shopping with her and tell her when I'm upset, tell her when I'm happy, and be her best friend. I want her to look at me and tell me she's proud of me. I want her to sit next to my Dad at my graduation from High School, then College, I want her to be at my wedding. I want her to watch movies with me and let me vent when I need to. I would give ANYTHING on this earth to tell her how much I Love her and to hear her say it too. 

          There's a void in my life that will never be filled. As many positive women that enter my life, and do their best to be a "fill-in-Mom", it will never be enough. None of them are my Mom. I appreciate every person that has been there for me more than they probably know, but that void will always be there. When we got to choose names in French class to be "our name" for the year, I always used my Mom's name❤️ It gave me a small sense of security for 40 minutes everyday. 

       I have pain everyday. Some things we just aren't meat to fully understand. But I know that I'll be reunited with her someday;

I'll see her again. The things some people take for granted are the things I would literally give ANYTHING to have. Small things are important, I promise you. I lost my Mom physically, I can't see her, I can't hear her, but I gained a guardian angel. I know she's always looking out for me. I know a lot of people say that when loved ones pass, but I truly feel it. I can tell when her soul is with me and I feel her guiding me and spiritually being with me all the time. 

         I Love you so much, Mommy. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you. Happy Happy Birthday, beautiful❤️

~May 16, 1963 - January 12, 2001~

          

       

Be Your Best YOU!

       A big part of teenage life and young adulthood is the struggle to fit in and make friends. We all want to be surrounded by Love, and sometimes the want to be liked by everyone around us can trip us up. The power of Faith and a positive outlook is the sole reason I started Prayers&Positivity. Not only is it the title of my blog, but these two words have made it into all of my URL's, social media bio's, and sometimes even my signature.

        My grandma is one of the most important people in my life, and everywhere we go, she always knows SOMEONE! When I was younger, she and I were talking about people disliking others, and I said "well everyone Loves you!" (I mean, my grandma is the bomb-dot-com :* ) and she said something I will never forget: "oh honey, believe me, not everyone likes me. But that's okay; I don't like every single person in this world, so why would I expect every single person in this world to like me?" It clicked. 

        I'm someone who can develop a conversation with just about anyone, and I don't fight with people. However, that does not mean, under any circumstances that everyone likes me, nor do I expect them to. But that also doesn't mean that rejection doesn't hurt. If we upsetedly say "I don't know why they don't like me! I haven't done anything!", we often get told something along the lines of "that's life" or "you didn't do anything. Suck it up and move on". We're human. We have feelings. When someone admittedly doesn't like us, it hurts. I've had to learn not to personalize it, and take a step back and realize that if people are gossiping about me, there's something going on for them that has nothing to do with me. Even though you might feel as though it is a personal attack, it's not.

       Another thing I've learned is that if people talk to you about others, there is a big chance that they are going to talk to others about you. I used to think that saying wasn't always accurate, but over time, I've definitely learned it to be true. For example, I had mutual friends that both used me to talk bad about each other, and I had shown respect to both of them and I thought I was getting it back, but I later found out that they both did the same thing to me. Looking at the situation now, I can't help but laugh. One quote I really like is, "Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." I know who I am, and who I am not. No one on this earth can make me feel less than that. Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated. People who bring any sort of negativity to your life do not matter. Do not feel bad about removing toxic people from your life.

        One of my favorite Bible verses is Matthew 5:44, "...Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you." A relationship with God is the BEST relationship you could ever have. It is the ONLY relationship that is forever, because God is forever. When I feel alone, sad, hurt, weak, or broken, God is my strength. When I feel Love, happiness, and everything feels perfect in my life, God is behind it all. I never complain to Him. No matter how I'm feeling, I always Thank God for blessing me with the people and the things in my life that He has. I will always be grateful.

        Always remember to stay true to YOU. Stand up for what YOU believe in. Show the people you Love that you Love them, stay around positive people who show respect and Love, and do nothing less than show them respect and Love back. You only get ONE life, don't let others live it for you.

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

"Why Do You Write in a Journal?"

      I've been asked more times than one why I journal. I suppose it's because I've talked about it more times than one. There are a few reasons, and maybe this blog post will inspire you to start a journal if you don't already have one. I started writing in a little spiral journal when I was in 5th grade. I don't have it anymore because I wrote such nonsense, such as what show I was currently watching at the time and the entries consisted of maybe a good 5 or 6 sentences. However, I remember my first journal entry being about performing in the middle school talent show with one of my close friends. Cue the embarrassment...LOL. I started out just writing the positives of the day. That way, if I had had a bad day, I was forced to think about even the slightest bit of good that occurred.

         A big reason I write in my journal is because of how therapeutic it is. What I do is type all of my entries on my computer, because I can quickly pour all of my feelings out, and later on, I transfer it into my paper journal with pen. (Pencil fades and smudges over time....but I digress). I analyze everything! I don't just write "Today was a good day. I'm happy". I talk about WHY today was such a good day/ WHAT about it made me happy. I try to fill in as much detail as I can. 

       Another reason I keep a journal is to capture the beautiful memories. I would say that I have a pretty sharp memory, but sometimes when a long time passes, you don't remember details off the top of your head. If I received a text or call that made my day, or made me smile, I'll write about it. I can't tell you how many times I've re-read journal entries and think "Oh my gosh! I remember that now!" And it will still put a huge smile on my face. I was actually doing that earlier tonight, and I just have such gratitude for three amazing people that really made me feel like I was part of their family for the time being. I had never felt a sense of family connectivity before meeting them, and I will forever hold a place for them in my heart. A year has gone by, and I haven't forgotten them, or how they made me feel, but re-reading certain details made my heart melt. 

       I think writing in a journal is important for many reasons. I'm working on a few projects that I've had to go back and use journal entries for. It's also cool to sometimes read a journal entry from exactly a year prior, and see how much your life has, or maybe hasn't changed. Writing goals in a journal is also an idea, and something I sometimes do. If I go back and see that I haven't accomplished a goal, it's incentive for me to get a move on. Obviously it's disappointing to write "I'm going to accomplish this! I'm so excited!" And then a month later: "so my new plan is..." But, if I have accomplished a goal, it's a proud moment, and it pushes me to keep going. 

     If you have ever wondered why myself or other people maybe write so frequently in a journal, I hope this helps answer your questions. And if you don't currently write in a journal, I strongly encourage you to try it out! :)

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

'Jesus > Religion' Summary (Chapters 3 & 4) + Discussion Questions

                     If you have yet to read my blog on Chapters 1 & 2, I would recommend checking that one out before continuing reading! :) It's been about a week and a half, and I apologize for the delay in writing this; I've been enjoying time off of school...maybe a bit too much LOL. So here we go into the next two chapters!!

Chapter 3: Fundies, Fakes, and Other So-Called Christians
                  Jeff actually has a YouTube video under this same title [ http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VNOkSLACLX8 ] He talks a lot about the stereotype of how many people "act Christian". Fundamentalists, in this chapter are referred to as the people who follow the "rules of Christianity" but don't actually apply them to their life, or understand why God wants certain things for our lives. They follow rules, but don't have the intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. Fakes are the people who I've heard several people complain about, and why a lot of people actually don't want to go to church, because there are those people that will shake your hand at service, but don't acknowledge you, or aren't Christian-like outside of the church. I really liked this chapter (as I do all of them!) because as I said, I've personally heard of this issue and people will tell me they don't go to church because of the fake people. However, instead of Jeff "bashing" the fundamentalists, or the fakes, he really questions our own judgment and lifts US up in not letting those people stop us from receiving God's grace. Jeff ends the chapter with the church story [I will link in the discussion question] that I could actually really relate to and again, he really wanted to challenge us to dig deep within ourselves.

*Highlights From the Chapter that Inspired Me*
"Jesus essentially said, 'I know my miracles are awesome. I know I have immense power. But don't follow me for the wrong reason. The cost is high." (pg. 39)

"Fundamentalism is living by the rules to stay out of trouble, rather than seeing the rules as tools to bring us intimacy and joy." (pg. 43)

"Persecution, like fire, burns up the weak elements (wood and hay), but actually purifies the strong ones (silver and gold)." (pg. 48)

Chapter 2 Discussion Questions (& some Answers)

The questions I've answered are ones that can be found in the book, or ones that I really wanted to include. The ones that I have left blank are questions you will have to answer personally. Take the time to read these questions and honestly answer them to how they apply to you!

 

1. Jeff would admit that he sometimes clings to religious rules or dead orthodoxy rather than living Faith. What about you?

2. Why do you think some rules -such as prohibitions against alcohol, swearing, and tattoos -are given more weight in religious circles than caring for the poor and downtrodden?
This is definitely an issue in society today, and it’s because a lot of people are unfortunately fundies, and because of that, they don’t know actual scripture, they know what myths have been passed down about Christianity over several hundred years, but because they don’t know what they’re preaching is false/no specific verse for it, they are also unaware of HOW MUCH the scripture tells us to love one another, and help each other.

 

 

3. Has the general Christian response to the gay community shown mercy, justice, and faithfulness? Why or why not?

*4. Jeff states, “Heaven isn’t a place for people who are scared of hell; it’s for people who love Jesus.” What’s your understanding of Heaven?*

 

5. “when we have no real transforming power of Jesus in our hearts, we still want to act as we always have, so we hold up a list of external behaviors so others can look at us and still see we’re Christians.” Has this been your experience? Explain.

6. If the kind of people you attract and repel reveals the authenticity of your faith, how are you doing?

7. In the parable of the two sons, the father wants both to enjoy the party. Are you more likely to resist or take part? Why?https://bible.org/seriespage/two-sons



Chapter 4: Religion Makes Enemies/Jesus Makes Friends
                 This is actually my favorite chapter thus far! Jeff starts it off with a story about an almost-fight he partook in in High School, and how at the time, he felt almost as though the cops showing up before anything really happened seemed like an adrenaline killer, but looking back he realizes it was God's saving grace. He then discusses the "hatred" we have for people who aren't the same as us, and how that developed/why we think that way. Religion is actually a big reason many people think that women, and gays are minorities. Religious people tend to think they're "good with God" because of just that, they're religious. And they start to act as if they know everything and they are on a pedestal. However, true Jesus-followers critique themselves, not others. Jeff states on page 63, "Last time I checked, I was my own worst enemy. No one has caused me more grief, pain, or heartache than I have. The Bible rarely tells me to fight against what I believe, but it frequently tells me to fight against my sin and the disease in me that's drawing me away from Jesus." Through this, he talks about how being a true Jesus-follower means loving someone even though they disagree with you. Again, I'm not going to give out any major spoilers, but there is one instance in particular he discusses with his Mom, and how they can disagree on it, but no one ever walks away from the discussion angry or upset. Another huge reason I Love this chapter is because it reminds me immensely of the quote "Don't judge someone just because they sin differently than you."


*Highlights From the Chapter than Inspired Me*
"Religious people see certain people as the enemies, when Jesus-followers see sin as the enemy." (pg. 63)

"We are greedy, filthy, idolatry-loving, glory-hungry thieves. And when we trust Jesus, he washes us. He redeems us-all of us." (pg. 66)

”God is always a fan of going to the marginalized so his saving power isn’t credited to human wisdom but to His grace.” (pg. 71)

”…if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do, you’re not a Christian. You’re just auditing. You’re not Christ’s followers. You’re just fans.” -Bill Maher

Chapter 4 Discussion Questions (& some Answers)

 

1. Why is it so hard to love “them”.
          In other words, why is it so hard to love people who view things differently than us?

 2. Jeff says he’s intrigued that Christianity flourished the most when it was under persecution and not sanctioned by the government. Why do you think that is the case?I’m actually intrigued by this as well, and I feel the reasoning is because trials and tribulations will always be what tests our Faith, and really makes us strong in our Faith, as opposed to when being sanctioned by the government, you can be a “fan” instead of a “follower” and no one will question it.

3. Have you ever tried washing yourself from your sin rather than letting Jesus do this work of grace?

4. Describe what most attracts you to the person of Jesus.First and foremost, the fact that He died for us is an AMAZING thing to think about. It’s way more than that, but for lack of a better word, AMAZING. How many people do you know would be torturously murdered for everyone else’s sins? Would you? I know I wouldn’t. and that alone attracts me to my Faith in Him because he Loves us that much. He wants us to succeed that much, and He is always there for us.

5. Jeff suggests that idolatry is “the act of placing anything or anyone above Jesus as the ultimate source of worth, satisfaction, and identity.” Why do we place other things above Jesus in our lives? Where do you find your worth, satisfaction, and identity?

6. If you were truly to follow Jesus, what would be different in your life? 

'Jesus > Religion' Summary (Chapters 1 & 2) + Discussion Questions

                  I really wanted to write about the book, Jesus > Religion by Jefferson Bethke. I finally received it this week, and I hate putting it down! Because there is so much in the book, and literally amazes me on every page, I'm going to blog about every 2 chapters. The book is titled after Jefferson Bethke's YouTube video, in which he is most known for. I am a huge fan of his because he's young (26), and therefore is able to reach out to the younger generations. Many of his YouTube videos are spoken words (poems), and he clearly dissects them in this book, along with talking about his life, and how his poems came about. No matter if you're a devoted Jesus-lover, or just coming to know the Lord, this book is SO worth the read!

Chapter 1: Will the Real Jesus Please Stand Up?
            Clearly a spin-off of Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" LOL. In the first chapter, Jefferson talks about his faith growing up, and openly talks about how as a kid, he was a Christian by default. In other words, his Mom was taking him to church every Sunday, and she kept a Bible in the house, so he thought that automatically classified him as a Christian. In this chapter, he also talks about his Dad's absence in his life, and how he had resentment, which resulted in rebellion in school. He moved several times growing up, and discusses how that, too, had a negative part in his adolescence. I won't give any spoilers out, but he talks about what led him to God's grace while in college, and I think many people can relate to the situation Jeff was in.

*Highlights From the Chapter that Inspired Me*
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." ~C.S. Lewis

"The Bible isn't a rule book, it's a love letter.
I'm not an employee, I'm a child.
It's not about my performance, it's about Jesus' performance for me" (pg. 7)

"We've lost the real Jesus -or at least exchanged him for a newer, safer, sanitized, ineffectual one." (pg. 9)

"But we don't like a dangerous Jesus because a dangerous Jesus isn't a profitable Jesus." (pg. 11)

"The reason we aren't fulfilled or satisfied by our version of Christianity is because it isn't Christianity." (pg. 12)

Chapter 1 Discussion Questions (& some Answers)

The questions I've answered are ones that can be found in the book, and the ones that I have left blank are questions you will have to answer personally. Take the time to read these questions and honestly answer them to how they apply to you!

 

1. What do you think Jeff means by “My true religion, as it is with most of my American Peers, was just moralism dressed in Christian clothes?

 

He felt like he was a Christian because he grew up in a “Christian” environment; he was just going through the motions, but in his heart he hadn’t truly found Jesus. 

 

2. How has Christianity been the default option for you in your life?

3. After his Mom’s news about her sexuality, Jeff gave up on God and rebelled. He likens this rebellion to drinking salt-water. Have you ever tried to quench thirst but realized you were at the wrong source? If so, describe what happened.

In other words, have you tried to fill a void with something that couldn't? 

 

4. Why is the fear of silence the greatest fear for many in our culture, especially young adults?

5. Have you ever interpreted the Bible as a love letter? Why or why not?

In other words, have you ever looked at the Bible as God's Love for us?

6. Soon after he began to follow Jesus, Jeff realized he had been duped into following a safe, ineffectual Jesus -a Jesus of his own making -rather than the real one. Describe the real Jesus.
The real Jesus is described in the book as “dangerous”, but it is a good thing because if Jesus were as safe as society tries to make him, he wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to die on the cross for us. The world would be much more dangerous than the real Jesus today.

 

7. Jeff states that Christianity has become a financial industry. In what ways have you experienced this? Have you ever experienced Christianity rising above a consumer driven culture?

 

8. Have you been resistant to believing God’s plan might include discipline for your life? How might God use trials to help you become more like Jesus?

 9. Why do Christians focus more on supposed acts of righteousness than the needs of others?

 

 

 

Chapter 2:  Why I Still Think Jesus Hates Religion (And You Should Too)
                 Jeff talks about the irony in how he was a Christian when he transferred to a secular college, but not while he was previously at a Christian college. He became his dorm's RA his senior year, and that ultimately inspired him to write the poems, because he wanted to develop something that captured the attention of his fellow college students. One of the biggest things Jeff addresses in this chapter is how as humans, we try to hide our brokenness, and mask our insecurities from other people.

*Highlights From the Chapter that Inspired Me*
"You don't try Christianity; either your heart has been transformed by Jesus or it hasn't.
  
  But you can try religion.
  You can try to follow the rules.
  You can try to climb up to heaven.

But all you'll do is white-knuckle your way to religious despair. It won't work. It never does." (pg. 27)

[Excerpt from 'Jesus > Religion' spoken word]
"Religion says do. Jesus says done.
Religion is man searching for God. Jesus is God searching for man.
Religion is pursuing God by our moral efforts. Jesus is God pursuing us despite our moral efforts.
Religious people kill for what they believe. Jesus followers die for what they believe."
(pg. 28)

"Love is the new law.
The way I think about it is this: if I'm ever tempted to cheat on Alyssa, I could motivate myself by the law -I won't cheat on her because I might go to hell, etc. -or I could motivate myself with love -I don't want to cheat on her because she is better than anything out there. So it is with us and God. Jesus ushered in a more beautiful covenant. One that is perfected in love, not in hateful and fearful obedience." (pg. 30)

Chapter 2 Discussion Questions (& some Answers)

 

1. Jeff describes the brokenness he witnessed while he was an RA, a brokenness that remained largely hidden. What drives us to keep our brokenness hidden from others, and what does that cost us?

Especially in my generation, we want to seem almost perfect to others because we don’t want to be judged negatively, or we want to uphold a certain social status, but it’s very detrimental, because you can only pretend to be something you’re not for so long, and while you’re putting on that act, you’re denying yourself the truth, as well as the people motivating you to act that way. Lastly, the scripture says that we were all born sinners. By acting as though we’re not, we are almost claiming God as a liar, and we then are denying him as well.

2. Jeff writes, “My generation is the most fatherless and insecure generation that’s ever lived, and we are willing to sacrifice everything if we can just be told we are loved.” Do you agree with this assessment? Why or why not?

I agree with this statement whole-heartedly; as I answered in the first question, we want to be viewed a certain way so that we can gain positive attention, and this is just a more in-depth point. I’ve seen it, and also experienced it myself, that sometimes we get caught up in lust, or in what we think we want, that we might start doubting God’s morals, and plan for our life, because we’re seeing what we “want” right in front of us. We often forget that when we have God, we have everything we’ll ever need. He Loves us more than any human being could imagine.

3. Why do you think Christianity’s essence has devolved to “hates gays, can’t drink beer, and no tattoos” in the minds of so many? Is this a result of the institutional church, individual Christians, or something else?

I really think this is a belief that’s taught through the institutional church, because the institutional church is where the set of rules come from, and why so many people that go to church have this mentality. I know myself, before I REALLY came to know the Lord, I believed this too, because it’s what had been taught.

4. How has the Christian faith been more about good advice rather than good news in your experience?

How I’m interpreting this question is that often times, we as Christians go to the Lord for advice and guidance in a tough situation, when bad things are happening, but sometimes it’s rare when we take the good things as blessings. Again, before I REALLY came to know the Lord, I would mostly only go to him with problems, and when I was sad, but now I also thank him for every day, and for all of His blessings, big or small.

 

5. If relationship with Jesus is the new law, how does that influence your understanding of rules or expectations within Christian Faith communities? Does it shift your understanding about an external code? If so, how?

Having a true relationship with Jesus Christ influences my understanding of the rules that Christian Faith communities set because we are NOT God, and Jesus makes us realize that no, we sin every single day, we make mistakes every day; we are not perfect, but He Loves us as though we are. Christian Faith communities can make it seem like you have to be a literally perfect person, but Jesus wants us to accept that we’re not, and be happy with being perfectly flawed.

6. Jeff claims that he hates any system that promotes moral behavior as the only way to have a proper relationship with God. Do you agree? Why or why not?

 
7. How is the Jesus portrayed in the Gospels different from the Jesus promoted by religion?

In the Gospels, Jesus is portrayed as a man, who happens to be able to give sight to the blind, and turn water into wine, but from a religious standpoint, He is promoted as not being good enough for God, and saying that His sacrifice wasn’t necessary. In simpler terms, Jesus is good in the gospels, but evil in religion.

 

8. If God doesn’t want rule-followers, what does he expect from us as believers in Jesus?

God doesn’t necessarily want rule-followers, because you could be going through the motions, and not truly be following him with your heart. As I answered in questions 4, 5, and 6, is that He wants us to accept that we are not HIM! As humans, our lives end, and everything within us, is finite. Therefore it is impossible for us to not have sin. He wants us to develop a true relationship with him, and in doing so, you’ll look at things differently, but in the BEST way. Don’t only come to the Father in times of despair, but in even your smallest joyous moment.

Jesus > Society

         I've been wanting to write this blog for some time now, but I wanted to get my thoughts completely organized before I did. Where my heart is in writing this comes from personal experiences, as well as things I've seen and heard about. It goes without saying that especially as teenagers, and young adults, society can have a HUGE influence on us, and the choices we make. Society says "Sex before marriage is okay, everyone does it." Society says "Come play beer pong with us, everyone else will be there." Society tells us that anything everyone else does is okay. But just because everyone else does it, does not make it right in God's eyes.

          I'm going to get right into it, because this subject is going to kind of serve as the main topic of discussion: Premarital sex. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 -"ye should abstain from fornication (sexual intercourse between two consenting people who are not married to each other): that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel on sanctification and honor; not in the lust of concupiscence" (powerful feelings of physical desire). As teenagers, hormones are raging, and we have feelings and urges. But as I've stated in previous blogs, feelings are not bad; how we deal with them can be. 

         With the greatness of God, and his Love, forgiveness, peace, holiness, and grace, there is an evil that wants us to fail. God wants us to be great; he wants us to prosper. He wants us to be the BEST version of ourselves. But evil wants us to utterly and completely fail, to hurt, and to ruin the plan that God has for our lives. In wanting us to abstain from sex until we have entered the covenant of marriage, he is doing so to better serve our lives, not to punish us. 1 Corinthians 10:13 -"God is Faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able;" (God will NOT let you be tempted more than you can handle)

          Society tells boys that visiting a strip club when they enter adulthood is "what everyone does. It's normal." But strip clubs have sin written all over them. They are one of the many temptations out there that are waiting for us to fail. Because what are boys gaining from it? Lust. Matthew 5:28 -"But I say unto you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery." Guys, let me ask you something. If you have a good girl by your side, who KNOWS her self worth, who has inner beauty, who would do anything for you, you have the best of the best right there. So why would you want the lowest of the low somewhere else? You're idolizing a female who has low -if any self-esteem, no idea of her self worth, no love for you, or any other boy she's filling desires for, but that's what pleasures you? What does that say about how you view yourself? And I am not saying that if you're single, it's different. Because again, any form of sex was created for the pleasure between two married people. Society says "everyone has a stripper at their bachelor/bachelorette party!" I have always said that when I'm about to get married, I DO NOT want a stripper at my bachelorette party. If my friends don't respect that, and a stripper shows up, I will leave. It's not fun, it's not classy, it's not enjoyable, and it's not me. It's the same concept I stated with strip clubs. In 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, Paul says "for it is better to marry than to burn."

         This is just a stem from that topic; as far as I'm aware, most of society agrees that cheating on your partner is disgusting, and plenty of other adjectives we don't need to get into, but unfortunately, it happens. I've seen SO many people go through being cheated on, so I wanted to talk about it a little bit. You may think it's "cool" to talk to a lot of people at once, and see how many you can get to crush on you, or how many people you can "hook up" with. I'm definitely not the first one to say that it's not. The Seventh Commandment bluntly states "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Proverbs 6:32 -"whoever committeth adultery lacks understanding, and destroys his own soul." In my opinion, that verse says it all. 

          Society says "Come to this party and drink with all of us!" I'm not going to get into a spiel about how drugs and alcohol are bad; I'm sure you've all heard plenty in school and such, but I will say that drinking, especially underage does not put you at a higher ranking than anyone else. Ephesians 5:18 -"Don't be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill you." Mind you, wine was what they called alcohol in general. 

        I did not write this to seem like a goody-two-shows by any means. I follow our creator who is a GREAT God, and I have views on things that I KNOW most people don't agree with...because I'm not agreeing with society. 

Prayers&Positivity

Becka 

        

          

Dealing with Anger

        We've all heard the saying, "Anger is one letter away from 'danger'". A couple of years ago [and sometimes to this day], I can get pretty nasty when I get extremely angry. I've stated in previous blogs that I have a BAD habit of bottling everything up over time. When I get angry, there's a 50/50 chance that I will uncontrollably release it. I talked with a mentor of mine, because I knew that the amount of anger I sometimes experienced was not healthy, and it made me feel like a horrible person. He said something that I still take to heart: "emotions are not bad, how you deal with them can be."

          It is more than normal for us to get angry. We have feelings and emotions, and sometimes people and things can influence them. In Matthew 5:44, God says, "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." It has taken me a long time to understand this verse fully, and I completely understand that it is not the easiest thing for us to always do.

          We are often left feeling guilty, defeated, and upset when something has brought us to where we let our negative emotions get the best of us. At the bare minimum, apologize. Some people will get swallowed up with pride, and don't want to seem weak, or lose their dignity; but in reality, you are being strong, and being the bigger person to admit your faults. "Apologizing doesn't always mean you are wrong and the other person is right; it means you value the relationship more than your ego." And in many situations, there may not be someone who is "right", but someone should DO the right thing and apologize. The other person may not accept it, but you can walk away knowing you did the right thing.

        Matthew 6:14 -"for if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you." We all make mistakes, and especially in arguing with another person, whether we think we are right or not, both individuals have fallen guilty to the same thing. We are both in a negative state of mind, and have spoken words we do not mean. You cannot hold someone accountable for making a mistake that you have also made. 

          Several times in the Bible, God states that He calls us to Love. He wants us to forgive, and he wants us to have peace. I not only pray for my enemies, but I also pray for peace in my heart as well, and I pray that God takes my anger away; luckily for me, I do not stay angry for very long.

            When you pray for your enemies, you are taking away their power, and giving your strain to God. God wants to, and WILL fight our battles for us, but we need to call upon His name. Let God be in control of whatever situation is burdening you, and give your worries to Him. If you're reading this and thinking "she must be out of her mind", I know, I thought the SAME thing two years ago, but I PROMISE you, that you will feel relief. John 14:14 -"if he shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it." God wants us to be set free, and again, he wants us to Love. But we cannot Love until we let go of anger.

Prayers&Positivity

Becka

Guilty Conscience

          I've felt extremely vulnerable lately, and as much as it sucks, it's a good thing. I bottle so much up, so it's good to every once in a while relieve some of that. With my vulnerability comes a ton of thinking, especially over-thinking. I really wanted to write this blog to A.) get this kind of out of my system, and B.) to show you that I am human just like everyone else, and just because I try to be an inspiration, and help others, doesn't  make me perfect, nor put me higher up than anyone else.

         I have probably one of the most guilty conscience's known to man; I really do. And some of you might think this is crazy, because well, it might be. But lately, I've felt somewhat undeserving of a relationship, and here's why:

          I don't feel that I am unworthy necessarily, or that I shouldn't be blessed like other people are to find their significant other. I am not saying this with low self-esteem or self-pity. But what I mean is that my life is, in some cases, a lot scarier than others. I'm not in any way saying that I am the only person in this world that goes through these hardships;  so many people go through much, MUCH worse. But to put this in harsh, to the point terms, I went from one day, everything being seemingly fine and "normal", to the next day, coming home from school to my Dad having a heart attack. 

        At that time, I was in a relationship and he had heard about a similar situation that occurred when I was eight, but no one could be prepared for it to happen again, I know I certainly wasn't. I give him a lot of credit for being patient with me and doing the best he could to calm me down and just be there for me. He stayed up late with me (this was during the school week) and called me in the morning to check on me, and give me a laugh =). But when all was said and done, I just felt extremely guilty that I put him through that. I still sometimes feel that way, hence me writing this blog eight months later. 

           I know that people say it's part of the "job" in a relationship to stick with your parter through thick and thin, but it's also part of the "job" to protect one another. In that situation, I feel as though I failed. I think I apologized ten times for ruining his night and keeping him up late. I remember him telling me that even though he's been involved in several different groups where kids deal with and go through a lot, and he knows how to help them, when he saw me cry, and saw how feared I was, he felt helpless. That makes me feel guilty. Not because he said that, but because again, I don't know what is going to happen in my day-to-day life. Granted, none of us do. But my biggest dreams involve my biggest fears. 

          I want to get married one day, and have a family one day...but it terrifies me that as much as I want my Dad to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with everything that comes into play, there's a chance he won't be here to do so. And it upsets me that even though I have wonderful women in my life that have been mother figures to me, there won't be a Mother of the Bride at my wedding. 

            Of course these things are not going to stop me from hopefully getting to experience the joy of marriage, but I feel guilty that whoever I marry is going to be on that scary journey with me. And some might say that that is what a relationship is all about, but it kills me when someone experiences something that devastated me. I don't want to have him be scared all the time like I am, or have to stay up late with me when he's exhausted. I guess because I've learned to be, for the most part emotionally strong, it's difficult for me to be emotionally weak. Especially in a relationship, because all I want is to be strong for them. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Happy Simplicity/Merry Christmas!

               Today, a girl started talking to me about the Holidays, and what I had planned for Christmas. As I finished telling her of my Holiday traditions, she smiled and told me how her family doesn't do much for Christmas. I asked her about it, and she explained that her Father works on Christmas Day, and how when she was younger, her family didn't even acknowledge Christmas. She told me that her family doesn't exchange gifts, or cook a big meal or anything. It evidently made me more sad than it did her. This was her "norm". She definitely was not sharing this as a complaint.
               The past two or three years, Christmas has kind of died down in my family. We haven't had a tree, and gifts are picked out ahead of time and either received well before Christmas, or just not wrapped, and all fancy Christmas morning. We haven't even put up a tree. And this had made me sad. Nothing about my house is Christmas-y, and there are times I stop myself from trying to feel jealous when I see other people having lights on their houses, cute decorations in their lawns, and as I scroll through the endless (yet beautiful) pictures of decorated Christmas trees. But as I said, it's because I've seen the Christmas spirit sort of...die over the years. This wasn't my norm.
               But listening to this girl tell me how simple Christmas was in her household, and just the smile she had on her face, made me take a step back, and again use my mantra, someone always has it worse than us. Sometimes around Christmas, we can get caught up in presents, and decorating, and it's definitely normal, and understandable, but things like this can really "bring you back to earth" so to speak. Like I said, not only her situation, but the fact that she is just so positive about it. She wasn't complaining, she wasn't wanting sympathy. It was just as if you were to ask "what are you doing for Christmas?" and her normal answer was that she wasn't really doing anything.
               Over the past eight or nine months, I've really stuck to the saying that someone always has it worse than us. We hear these stories on the news, see them all the time quite honestly, but do we actually stop and think about it? You might be saying "Yeah Becka, you've said this a million times before." and my response to that would be yes, I know that, and I won't stop. Everyone has their own way of being humbled, and taking that phrase into consideration is mine.
               Today has most definitely made me more appreciative of what I do have, and made me not dwell on the things that I don't. Christmas has never been about gifts for me, but little things like not having a tree made me sad, but not anymore. This will definitely not be my last blog beforehand, but I'd like to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I hope reading this will make you appreciate it this year a little bit more. =)


Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Reflection

             We did an activity today in one of my classes that surprisingly threw me completely out of my comfort zone. So far this year, some of the other students have said that this class feels sort of like Group Therapy, and have been out of their comfort zone with previous activities and writing assignments. However, I am an open book when it comes to a lot of things, and I never expected that I would have that feeling at all during this course.
             When something "tragic" happens in my life, I have a habit of pushing it somewhere in my brain where it is not recognized or often thought about. I pretend it never happened and I am not in any way saying this is a good way to cope with things, but I run away from them. It's kind of like 90% of me is open to talking about my personal experiences, and such, but 10% of me is a closed door that VERY few people will ever know about because it's just too much for me to relive, and think about. During this activity, I felt like the door to that 10% of me had been forced open and I felt like I wasn't in control, and as much as I wanted to leave the room and cry, I stopped myself and did what was asked of us.
             Now for what you probably really want to know: what was the assignment? We had to write down negative things that adults in our lives have told us. Again, I'm not one to let what others say to me affect me, really, but when I think about things that I have been told especially in my childhood, it really makes me think of how much of an impact that has on the way I am today. For example, from a young age, I was taught that it is not okay to cry. It was repeated to me, even in the worst of times, I was told it wasn't acceptable. To this day, I really only cry in a couple of situations. But like today, I wanted to start crying right there in class, but that part of my brain started and I stopped myself. Now, I know there is a lot of people that don't like to cry in public, and they could stop themselves like that, but as a reflection on my own self, I can't help but think that what I was told as a child, impacts the way I live my life now.
             It was also really hard for me because not only did I start remembering things that were said to me, but everything that came with that. Such as the place, and the way it was said. It was as if I went back to each moment that I was told something negative, and I did not like it. I was very uncomfortable.
            This is NOT a blog I am writing for sympathy in any way, it is just a reflection. There's not many things or people that can get me to open the door to that 10% of me, so this was really surprising to me, and to be honest, still is. When I start thinking of one thing, it leads to another, and another, and so on. As much as I despise getting emotionally thrown out of my comfort zone, it really is a good thing, because running away from, and/or denying things won't help you heal. Sometimes I think that if I pretend it never happened, then it doesn't exist, and I can just move on from it, but our minds don't really work like that. It may work for a little while, until you start doing something, or acting a certain way, or reacting to something that is completely out of your "norm". At some point, in order to heal, we have to dig deep and uncover things that make us cry, and make us uncomfortable. But one thing that I have learned over the decade, is that it is okay to cry. If you're mad, get mad. If you're upset, be upset. If you're happy, smile, and make someone else smile with you. The only thing that isn't okay is to STAY sad, or mad. As humans, we make mistakes, and negative things will happen to us, and that is all the more reason to show your true feelings and "get it out of your system" before it causes a bigger problem.



Prayers&Positivity
Becka

Emotional Stress/Update(s)

         This past week or so, I've been under a great deal of emotional stress. I find myself in this type of situation once or twice a year, and I get really distant, and almost just want to shut down completely. However, when we get to points like this, a lot of times it's caused by storing emotions inside for a long period of time, letting things build up and add on, and our bodies and our minds are telling us we need a break. 

       For me, this means that I'm taking a break from the things and negative emotions that I'm feeling, and really just focusing on myself. The one thing that always gets me motivated and makes me feel renewed, is working out and focusing on losing more weight. Whether it be walking/running, or doing an intense training session, exercising ALWAYS clears my head and makes me feel at least somewhat better.

        With that being said, I am starting a 30-Day Crossfit Challenge tomorrow, October 28th. I am extremely excited about this (almost too much!) and I will be posting many more updates, and weekly blogs about how I am doing with that. I will also be sharing more quotes, stories and tips along the way. 

To start me off:

"No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everybody on the couch!" 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Thank You❤

         All of us have those occasional nights where we think about about our lives. For me, as I'm reminiscing my past, and the events that forever changed my life, I think of the people that were there for me. A lot of people back away from scary situations, or they don't know what to say or do, therefore, they don't say or do anything. Being someone's rock can be challenging, it is not easy by any means. In certain situations, I often say that the person going through the difficulty, and the one supporting that person, struggle the same. You may think that sounds crazy, but here's why: no doubt, the person dealing with a loss, a health issue, etc. has a lot to be emotional about, worried about, and scared about. However, often times they do have support. The person who is trying to be there for the victim of the situation is dealing with the inner battle of "am I doing enough for them?", the roller coaster of emotions, and in my experiences, they are the ones other people come to for knowledge of what is going on. The support doesn't have support, and is trying to be strong enough for two people.

         With this being said, I want to take the time to Thank all of the people that have been there for me through any or all of the tragedies I've faced thus far in my life. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart Love and appreciate all of you so much. There is no question, I would not be here without you.

          To the ones who became like second Mothers to me, Thank you. You all have had a tremendous influence in my life, and even though I lost my Mom, I gained 3 and I love you all so, so much.

         To the ones that became like family to me, Thank you. Blood does not make you family, and this could not be more true for me. I love you all like family and nothing will ever change that.

         To the ones who were by my side through two of the hardest situations I've been in, both 9 years ago, and 5 months ago, Thank you. I honestly would not have been able to do it without any of you. I have tried to put myself in all of your shoes and I think about what I would have done, had it been the other way around, and your strength for me has helped me more than you realize. The places to sleep at night, the funny stories to lift me up and laugh, and the safeness I felt with you does not go one day without being appreciated. I Love you all more than you will ever know. 

         To the ones who inspire me on a daily basis, Thank you. You've shown me that there is so much to be happy, and thankful for. Being surrounded by you motivates me to be my best self. You are all so Amazing.

        To the ones who have helped me become who I am today, and who are always looking out for me, Thank you. I don't think I would be here today without you. You guys have made me realize so much about myself and my potential, and that only inspires me every single day to be better than I was yesterday. You have helped me to stay motivated to reach my goals, and have said "I am proud of you" when I do. You've shown me what is possible, and that you believe in me, and for that, I will always be grateful. I love you guys so much!

          And last, but certainly not least, to my Dad and my Guardian Angel, my Mom, I Love you two more than anything in this world. I've learned so much from both of you. Life is short, so don't be too afraid to try new things, to chase your dreams, and to live life to the fullest. Mom, Thank you for always watching down on me and protecting me, thank you for being the best Mom in the entire world to Josh and I. I would give ANYTHING to see your Beautiful face again, and I will someday. I Love you so much❤ Dad, Thank you for always being there for me. Through thick and thin, and other people coming and going, you have been a constant in my life, and I appreciate that more than anything. You are the STRONGEST person I know, and it only makes me stronger. You inspire me every day. I Love you more than life itself and I mean that whole heartedly. 

     You all mean the world to me, and I am so blessed to have/have had you in my life. You guys are the best of the best, and I Love you all more than I think you could possibly know. Once again, Thank You❤ 

Love,

Becka

            

The Biggest Loser

       There was a comment made during a commercial for The Biggest Loser today. "Why would you want to show America how ridiculously fat you are?!" This really upset me. As someone who has struggled with my weight my entire life, I commend every contestant that does go on the show. How many people sit on their couch, just WATCHING The Biggest Loser? A heck of a lot more than the Biggest Loser contestants. The people that send videos into the show genuinely want to lose weight. They are willing to take the viewers on their weight loss journey with them, no matter how heavy they start. That alone is inspiring to me. They put in HOURS of hard work. They are real people, with real health concerns, that want to change their lives. 

         I've watched probably 4 or 5 seasons of The Biggest Loser, and the contestants usually are very insecure about how heavy they are. There's always the two or three that are labeled the heaviest on the ranch, and I'm sure that is not an easy thing to deal with; especially when you are surrounded by people with the same issue. No one likes the weigh-ins, where the men have to be shirtless and the women are in sports bras. They don't do it to show America "how fat they are.", they do it to show America that if you're struggling with obesity, you can overcome it, too. 

          Yes, it's a reality show. I get it. But this is probably one of the most REALISTIC reality shows because these people are forever changing their lives, AND inspiring millions every step of the way. They have trainers, and set schedules, but the contestants are doing ALL of the work. You can have a doctor or a trainer consistently tell you to do something, but they can't do it for you.

           I'm very fortunate that growing up, I was never really bullied for being overweight, but I am extremely defensive over these things because I do know how difficult it is to lose weight.  

       I believe that if you don't know, you shouldn't talk. If you watch the show and it's just not your cup of tea, it doesn't pertain to you, etc. that's fine. That's your opinion, and you are fully entitled to it. However, if you haven't seen the show, you don't know anything about the struggle of being overweight, I don't think you have room to make ignorant comments. 

    

I Believe in You

        I believe that what goes around, comes around. I am mainly talking about the positives. "Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself."(Ralph Waldo Emerson). Not only does good karma repay you, but it just feels good to know that you can help someone, and make their day better. 

              I've written another blog on this topic specifically, but people often ask me how I stay so positive and how admiring it is. I stay positive because I know what it is like to feel the complete opposite. I've been in that place where I felt like no one cared, everything was so negative, and I didn't feel like it would matter if I wasn't here anymore. But one thing I've learned is that even if it doesn't seem like it, someone out there loves you. Someone wants the best for you, someone wants you to stay strong and be happy. You could be reading this and saying "yeah right, easy for you to say." Maybe you have a bad relationship with your family, and your friends are drifting away from you. If you can't think of one person that knows you are worth it, I do. I want you to not look at how far you have left to go, and not look at how wrong everything may seem right now. I want you to focus on how far you've come, and what could be going right in your life. If you don't think you're blessed, feel your pulse. You are here for a reason.

            I met a young girl recently, who was crying by herself. I had never met her before, but I approached her and asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell me about the hardships she faced, and fought my advice with "but you're pretty, you don't get it." I started to share personal stories with her, and how I overcame difficulties I was faced with. For the first time in thirty minutes, she cracked a smile as I wiped away her tears. I gave her a hug and reassured her I was there for her if she ever needed someone to talk to. 

             These instances are what motivates me to keep doing what I do. If I can help or inspire one person, I am fulfilling God's purpose for my life. We need to encourage one another, and lend a hand to those in need. When I reach out to other people, or even get surprised when people approach me and tell me that I've unknowingly helped them, I can guarantee you that I am even happier about it than they are! 

             Sometimes all it takes is ONE person to say "I Believe in You". 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Depression: My Story

         I hesitated writing this blog in fear it was too personal, and I guess I was never really ready to publicize it. But, I always say if I can inspire one person, I'm doing something right. 

          The first week of 9th grade was like the beginning to any school year. I was trying to get back into the swing of things; I felt different, kind of awkward. I figured the feelings were typical back-to-school nerves.

          Weeks went by, and this feeling just wouldn't go away. It actually got worse. When I came home from school, I just felt sad. As time progressed, it got to the point where I would start crying for no reason. Nothing would have happened, but I would start crying for hour-long periods. I didn't know why, I just knew I was sad. This happened every single day. 

            After roughly two weeks of these episodes, I brought it up to the counselor I had been seeing. Every session, I would really only say one thing, "I feel sad." It got to be annoying, even to myself. I tried so hard to put my feelings into words, but I just couldn't. 

              I started writing down the times I felt sad and a little of how I was feeling. Every week, I would bring them to my counselor. One of the entries read:

 

"8:55am.                               9/20/10

I'm feeling sad, almost to the point of crying. I think if I were at home, I would've cried. Dreading this afternoon and my future."

     The following week, we had a group session, meaning my Dad was in the room with my counselor and I. We all talked and expressed what we needed to and that was when my counselor said that I was dealing with Depression. 

       I had a hard time accepting that. I tried to deny it, but in the back of my head, I think I always knew Depression was a huge possibility. It's a serious thing, and I didn't want to be looked at like there was something wrong with me. 

        However, once I did realize and "accept" the fact that I had Depression, I started to rebel against the counseling process. I felt like I was getting ganged up on, but in reality, we all wanted the same thing: for me to be happy. 

          My counselor kept suggesting anti-depressants. I think they are a great thing for some people, and I'm not against them in any way. I just didn't feel like they were for me. Although I never wanted to admit it, there were times I actually thought about taking them because I was so desperate to be happy again. But I felt like it would be something I would decide, not something I would be forced to do. 

              A few weeks after her initial suggestion, my counselor entertained the idea of me seeing a psychiatrist, because they specialize in that field. It scared me because I knew that if he thought I needed medication, I'd get it no matter what I wanted. It was also nerve-wracking due to all the negative stigmas attached to their profession. 

              He went through a list and asked me probably 20 or so questions. Most of them were easy and I could just simply say "no". The last question he asked me was "Are you suicidal?" I froze. There were many times I had thought of suicide, but I had never tried to kill myself, or made a plan to do so, and since since my Dad was in his office with me, I didn't want to admit it, and I said "no". However, my counselor had told him things I had said to her, and he did make me talk about it. Once he realized I was only trying to explain how I felt, and not making a suicidal threat, he came to the conclusion that medication was not something I needed. 

          By January, I decided to quit counseling. I didn't feel like I was able to be helped. I had been depression for five months, and I now felt like I was kind of on my own. I had become very anti-social. I hated talking to really anyone and if my phone died, I wouldn't even think about charging it for weeks at a time. 

            I would always hear how kids and young adults committing suicide was becoming an epidemic, but I never thought I would be that kid. I never thought I would really want to die. But I did. And that's not something I openly would talk about. 

            March 3, 2011, I sat at the end of my bed, and I just felt so low. Worse than I ever had before. I felt like there was no reason for me to be on this earth anymore. I texted one of my friends at the time and said "I can't do this anymore." I honestly don't know why I reached out to her. I think maybe subconsciously I wanted help. She wasn't clear on what I meant, and I said "I want to take a gun to my head. I can't do this anymore, I want out." She begged me not to do it, and I sat there and cried for at least an hour, debating what I was going to do. I finally promised her I wouldn't. 

            After that night, I prayed every single day that I would be happy again. That was the only thing I wanted. Things slowly started to get better. But again, this was a process. 

          I began being very dependent on people. If my mood was down, I expected them to know how to make it better. If my mood was up, I expected them to make sure it stayed there. I also wasn't choosing who I surrounded myself with very carefully. 

           At one point, I was feeling down and I was hanging out with someone who definitely didn't have a positive affect on me. There was about a 2 week period that I had thought about cutting myself. When I brought it up to this person, their response was "me too!" And we talked about it like it was "cool." I was always too scared of the pain to actually do it, and one night I had a dream that I cut myself all the way up my arm and it hurt so bad and I was taken to the hospital. The thought never occurred to me again. 

              I eventually got to be too much for people to deal with, and that's when I looked to God more than ever. I started praying a lot. I prayed for strength, and that I wouldn't be miserable forever. Little by little, I started gaining back control of my life. I apologized to the people I had hurt, and realized I had to also show them I meant I was sorry. 

            I was so insecure with myself. If people were laughing around me, I felt like they were talking about me. I became extremely hard on myself, and I would wallow in my own self-pity. My insecurities got the best of me. 

          I started to rely more on myself, and I adjusted my focus. That was the BEST thing I did. Instead of worrying about things that didn't matter right now, I focused on what did. Who I love, what's truly important and I focused on the now. Now the "20 years from now". 

            I learned to let God take care of my worries. If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. I put my trust in him. I was truly happy again not long after that.

          It was a scary 8 months. I wouldn't wish Depression on ANYONE. It was constant misery every single day. But, I wouldn't be where I am today without experiencing this. Overcoming Depression has made me realize SO much. I don't take things for granted. You need bad days to appreciate the good ones. Appreciate the people who love you and think the world of you, because they won't always be here. 

        I've realized I can do anything I set my mind to! I've accomplished so much in the past 3 years that before my Freshman year, I would have never imagined I could! NEVER give up!

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

   

Asking For Advice

         We all do it. Whether we're at a crossroads in our lives, or undecided about something. You might go to a close friend, counselor, or family member to get their insight or opinion. 

         Some people might feel like they don't need help, or they think asking for advice is damaging to their pride. There is a big difference between asking someone for their advice, and going to someone for help. Someone's advice is just that, THEIR advice. 

          There is nothing wrong with wanting someone's insight other than your own. Sometimes when we ask for advice, you can choose to take it, but no one says you HAVE to. For example, when you're torn between two different things, if someone's advice is to do one thing, maybe that's when you're able to realize you really want to do the other thing. Just because you didn't take that persons advice, it was still beneficial to you. 

          As humans, we have feelings, and a billion decisions to make in life. And even though it is 100% natural and normal to go to someone for their advice or opinion on something, you know yourself better than anyone. Sometimes we subconsciously know what we want,  but we just need someone else to reveal it. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

Your Subconscious Mind

Have you ever heard the saying, "Never let a woman go to sleep mad or sad."? I am quite the night owl, but when I'm suffering any sort of negative emotion such as anger, stress, or sadness, I physically cannot sleep. However, many times, I have managed to suppress those feelings to the point where I may not realize that I have them. According to my conscious mind, I'm just simply "not tired". 

          The subconscious mind controls roughly 50-60% of our brain's capabilities. It is in charge of our most recent memories, our basic information [such as your address], and it is also where your constant thoughts, behavioral patterns and emotions are stored. The subconscious mind works closely with the unconscious mind, hence the reasoning behind why you may not know something is bothering you quite directly.

           Your subconscious stays much more aware of your surroundings than you perceive. However, it takes direction from the conscious mind. Meaning, your subconscious will only reveal the feelings in which you continuously think about. If you are someone who suppresses emotion, and forces yourself to think the opposite, your subconscious will model those feelings. But It is not quite that easy. Your subconscious is responsible for fight or flight responses. So for example, if you have to give a presentation in class, and you feel nervous, trying to convince yourself to relax won't do the trick.

         The subconscious is the only part of the brain that runs 24/7, and that is why you may find yourself having dreams at night that mirror suppressed feelings. Maybe if a friend angered you, but you didn't act on that frustration, but suppressed it, you might have a dream where you are lashing out. 

          The only way to put yourself at ease in any of these situations is to become self-aware. For some, that is easier said than done. You'll really need to dig deep and find the root of the problem you are having, or emotion you've suppressed. 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

           

"Adoption"

For those of you that don't know, my brother is adopted; however, that is his story to tell, not mine. The reason for this blog is because I want to make something a little clearer: Our parents took him home from the hospital -he is THEIR son. 

      When we were younger, kids would ask me obvious questions, such as "why do you guys look different?" At the time, it was a little strange because I never looked at him differently and it was odd to me that other people did. But now I realize that kids are curious and it's all fine and well. 

      What really bothers me is how close-minded people are to this day. My brother will be 20, and I'll be 17; so there's really no excuses at this age, other than people being either ignorant, or thinking they know things when they know zero. It shocks me that there are still people that make comments saying "your adopted brother". No, he is and has ALWAYS been MY BROTHER. He is the brother God intended for me to have. I don't look at him as "someone else's kid" or "my brother who is adopted". He's just my brother. 

        I had a friend that if I talked to about a fight I had with him, and I felt like my Dad was taking his side or something (typical sibling problems), she would make the remark, "but you're his blood daughter". No matter how mad I was about the fight, those remarks angered me more. Like I previously have said, my brother is our parent's child, just as I am. He is the son God wanted our parents to have. 

        A child who is adopted did not choose to be. They weren't born saying "I don't like my blood family, give me to this one". A lot of children are adopted because their biological parents can't give them the life they deserve. I think it's a precious and selfless thing. Regardless of the fights, the yelling, any negative thing, my brother is my brother.

         I realize that some comments are not made with the intention of offending anybody, but with topics like Adoption, you want to think before you speak (as we all should with anything). 

Prayers&Positivity 

Becka

No Friends > Fake Friends

There's so much drama that happens in middle school; at least what I remember of it. I went through a couple of situations where "friends" were using me, and then ditching me and I didn't trust many of them anymore. Being in middle school, you want to have a lot of friends, it makes you feel cooler, and you feel like you belong somewhere. My grandma always used to tell me that having no friends was better than having fake friends. I thought she was crazy at the time -I wanted people to hang out with. 

       The point of friends are for them to be there for you, as you are for them. You have a mutual trust, and people you enjoy being around. What is the point of spending time with people you really don't like all that much, you don't trust, and you all talk about each other behind each other's backs? 

        Sometimes being alone doesn't mean anything negative. It doesn't mean "you suck", no one likes you, etc. Many times, it can just mean that you know the type of people you want to surround yourself with, and you're not going to settle for less. There is however a difference between not having friends, and isolating yourself. Don't purposely cut yourself off from people, especially when you feel rejected by a group of "friends". Be yourself, and the right people will come along! 

          In school, it's hard thinking about "where am I going to sit in lunch?" "Who am I going to work with on this project?" But don't over think things. Wait until you actually walk into that cafeteria, or classroom. Just because you maybe don't have a close group to immediately turn to, doesn't mean you don't have acquaintances that will help you out. 

          It's better to have no friends than to have fake friends because especially in middle/high school, you don't want to spend all of this time being frustrated with people that feel almost like a chore to hang out with. Like I said, be yourself, and you will attract the right friends, that WILL be there for you and support you. 

Prayers&Positivity

Becka